If I were to marry again

Greetings, everyone! I hope you are all doing well. One topic which comes up a lot for me is dating and whether I would remarry. I have been single for a long time. Someone recently pointed out that I have been single for nearly ten years. I did not realize it had been that long. I tried dating, and I have been met with many challenges. I have nothing but disappointment and horror stories. First, I am super introverted. Meeting new people in any capacity is hard for me. I am a little socially awkward. I also hate small talk. The men I have met have not been of the best caliber. I can tell some stories.

People promise to make plans with me, but nothing materializes from those encounters. For example, many years ago (maybe between 2017 and 2021), I connected with this man on a dating app. I do not remember if it was Bumble or Hinge. We exchanged phone numbers. Every time we made plans, something always came up. Unfortunately, I have a very low tolerance for foolishness. I do not like to waste my time or anyone else’s. Anyway, this man kept my number. He periodically texts me with the same foolishness. I just left it alone. I was never really interested in him anyway.

People find it hard that I am trying so hard to heal. I am a broken person, and I want to resolve some of my unhealed trauma. As you can see from some of my other posts, my life has not been the easiest. There are many things I never dealt with. I am slowly working through everything now, which is why I advocate for healing and therapy. I do not let people get too close to me because I am usually left with disappointments.

I have never really dated to begin with. I am unsure whether I actually been on a real truly established date. I hang out with my platonic male friends from time to time, but I do not think they would consider it dating. Maybe I am wrong. I have done some cool things with friends that I will always cherish. Thinking back, I remember going out with this one guy. We drove around in his car for a couple of hours listening to music. That was fun. Music is everything to me. It saddens me that I am always friend zoned and sistered. However, maybe it is best. I truly believe there is a reason and purpose for everything. I just wish I understood what the reason and purpose was.

My marriage was my only real relationship, and it was not a good one. It was honestly one of the most painful experiences I ever had. It is not that I never gotten over it. I was over it three years before it ended. I guess I am hurt about the effort I made fighting to make something work that should have never been. To put your all into something that failed, it made me think about a lot of things, such as my role in the breakup and what I could have done differently. I guarantee this, it is a pain I never want to endure again. It is not that I never gotten over it. I was mentally checked out three years before we separated. I guess I am struggling with the fact I repressed so many emotions and I am trying to deal with it now. After marriage, I am left with severe trust issues. I know I cannot hold every man responsible for what one did, and I won’t. I just want to find a man who would give me a reason to let my guard down some. Unfortunately, I have yet to meet that person.

I am not opposed to dating. I would just rather my mindset be a little better first. Someone told me if I keep waiting until I am a little further in my healing, it would be too late for me. I am okay with being single. I am at peace with it. Do I become sad at times, absolutely. I wish many things were different. I would like to go on a date. So much so that I am deciding to date myself. I need to have fun. I do not want to wait on anyone else. Happiness comes from within. I have a list of date ideas which I keep. People are so worried about me that they want to set me up with their friends and relatives. I have turned it down, but I have been thinking about it. Maybe I will change my stance on being set up.

Then the subject of me remarrying comes up. I am not against it. I would really have to love someone who reciprocates their love for me. One of my friends who is around my parents’ age told me to make a list of qualities that I want in a spouse. I did. This is in no particular order. I am a very chill person. I am open to my spouse having female friends. Have fun, but communicate about who you are with and what you are doing. Respect me and my feelings, and I will do the same. I work incredibly hard, and I want someone who matches my work ethic. I am family oriented and great with children. I want someone who at least treats their mother well. Spirituality is important to me. I am not overly religious. I was raised Christian. I am not saying he has to be Christian too. I want someone who understands my intentions are good. I want someone who will build me up as I do the same for them. I love cooking. It is actually my biggest talent. I want someone who can love and accept me as I am, flaws and all. I do not mind if he has children. Presently, I do not have children, but I always wanted them. For the age range, I would say someone born between 1976 – 1986. If I am really feeling a person, I am willing to adjust that. Race and ethnicity does not matter to me. I like whoever likes me. Physical attributes do not matter either although I tend to prefer tall. I am a short queen. I rule out nothing.

The biggest thing that I have learned is that whoever and whatever is for me will be for me. There would be no fighting when it is truly mine. I am starting to make peace with a lot of things. There are some things that I am not willing to compromise about. If I had my way, there is a person I know who I would marry without hesitation. We will see what happens.

If you are in the same or a similar situation, it is okay to be single. Build yourself up. Focus on you and developing yourself. Heal. Strive and thrive. Do not let people dictate what you do if you are not ready. People need to understand everyone has their reasons for their actions. Everything happens when it is supposed to. I just want to be in the best place possible if or when I finally receive the love that I deserve and always wanted. I do not know where my story ends, but I am trusting better days are coming.

To my ex-husband despite the pain, I want to thank you for the years we shared. Our relationship and ultimate break-up produced some of the hardest lessons of my life. I thank you for the good times we had. Although it hurts me things did not work out between us, I am grateful for the experience. I truly believe that it is better to love and lost than to have never loved at all. I am grateful for the closure and apology you gave me the last time we spoke. It meant a lot. I hope you and your family are doing well. I wish you nothing but the best. I wish you joy and happiness. I thank you for being a part of my journey, which tapped into a level of strength I did not know I had. You were an integral part of shaping me into the woman I am now.

Peace and blessing everyone. ❤ Rayne Elise ❤

Vulnerability

Greetings everyone, I hope you are all doing well. First and foremost, my thoughts and prayers are with everyone as we are facing some unprecedented times. I hope you know you are loved. If no one else tells you they love you, I love you. I am thankful for the support for you all have shown me so far. You have no idea how much it means to me. So far, 2025 has been a rough year. Everyone is battling something that they may not speak about. I wish the best for everyone. I urge everyone to display kindness, empathy, and patience as much as possible. Any little thing can set someone over the edge.

I am about to be vulnerable to a few minutes. This year, my mental, physical, and emotional health has suffered. My year began with me being told I needed to have surgeries – dental and breast. Due to overwhelming stress, my therapist completed the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) paperwork requesting a two-month leave of absence. His hope was that I would heal and regroup after surgery. Sadly that time came and went very fast. I did not accomplish as much as I hoped I would. The return to work was even more challenging.

There is good and bad in every element of life. Work is no different. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my job. Work is a huge source of my stress. I do the best I can to manage my emotions when it comes to work. I work with many people who are higher positions who lack the fundamentals of leadership. This results in myself and others having to compensate for their shortcomings. It becomes frustrating on a daily basis. I know I should not let things affect me like they do. I am working to change that. Things tend to affect me deeply.

I feel very misunderstood and unheard. I am grateful for my core work group, family members, and friends. They listen to me to a a degree. Many of them give me their unsolicited opinions and criticisms of how I handle things. One thing I hear often is that I do not handle constructive feedback well. While that may be the case, sometimes I just need for people to listen. If I want opinions, I would ask. Oftentimes, the unsolicited opinions make matters worse. There are times when things should not be said. More times than not, I wish people kept their opinions to themselves.

I rarely express myself based on the feedback I receive. Expression often feels pointless. My therapist says I have difficulty expressing my needs and articulating my feelings. This is a defense mechanism or trauma response stemming from my childhood. I have always been different. I never understood why I was different. I never fit in anywhere. I do not gravitate towards people well since I am super introverted. People have asked me if I were autistic or have Asperger’s syndrome. To my knowledge, I only have an attention deficit disorder without hyperactivity. I am probably neurodivergent in other ways which are worth exploring.

Speaking for myself, when I share my feelings, it is for people to listen and understand me. Everything does not require a response. I understand there are people who want to be seen as helpful. That is good and fine. I request that you know your person well enough to understand when to proceed with commentary. It is okay to disagree. Never tear anyone down.

I am learning that I am overstimulated. Recently, I enrolled into an online program for a second master’s degree in Project Management. Do not worry, I am only taking one course at a time. So far, it is going well. I have an A in this initial course. However, it has been challenging fully engaging in this course with competing priorities.

Always having been a caregiver to others, I suck at self-care. Everything is correlated. I believe everything happens for a reason. We all cross paths for a reason. I wish I understood what the purpose was for the course of my life. I am trying ti find myself and heal so that I can gravitate towards whatever my purpose is.

On a given day, I feel like a frazzled mess. It is hard for me to leave my house. I have severe anxiety issues, which I am working through. Again, this stems from trauma. Most people do not understand that. People are quick to point blame or judgment for me not being who or what people want me to be. Despite my adversity, I like myself. I am proud of the woman I became. You have no idea of my story which can be really deep. I am just grateful I am still alive to finish writing my story. I am a huge advocate of mental health awareness. Admitting one has issues is perfectly fine and should be normalized. I am not ashamed to be enrolled in therapy. Therapy helps me cope and provides me with the necessary tools to heal.

Life is hard. No one is immune to the trials and tribulations of life. Each day. we should do our best to play the hand we were dealt. In the past several years, I have lost so many people, many of which were close to me. I do my best to honor their memory. My phone and cloud storage have thousands of photos, many of which are of people I lost. Some of them I think of often because I miss them. For instance, yesterday my beautiful high school friend would have celebrated her 41st birthday. We attended my first high school together. I was devastated when I learned she passed six weeks after having her daughter. Sadly, she did not live to see her 29th birthday. Last week, we celebrated the anniversary of my uncle’s passing, That was a huge loss for my family. I pray he is at peace. I bet he is preparing to be reunited with my grandmother soon.

Check on your friends, family and some acquaintances. People need the support. It is nice to be thought of at times. I really appreciate those who think enough about me to check on me. Sometimes it takes away feeling alone. Even if you disagree with the choices your friend makes, try to understand their point of view. We are all different. LIfe would be boring if everyone was the same and had the same mindset. Our differences are what make us unique.

I had low self esteem for most of my life. I was bullied and picked on. This does not exclude a lot of the mental abuse I experienced. It took me becoming divorced before I finally began to love myself. That is what finally gave me the courage to leave, It was knowing my worth and that I deserved better. I have learned that no one will ever love you the way you love yourself. Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship. The great RuPaul often said, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” I know I am a flawed, broken woman. I am slowly rebuilding myself. While I am not everyone’s cup of tea and people are steadily trying to change me, I like me. It is most important how I feel about myself.

The point of this post was to acknowledge everyone’s perception of you is different. Please yourself. Focus on your health in all facets. Take care of you. Heal and thrive. Break generational curses. Do great things, Appreciate the great people in your circle. Cut off anyone who means you no good. Use discernment to understand who is who. Continue to elevate yourself. Continue to spread love and kindness. Be patient with people. Less judgment and more support.

Peace and blessings! ❤ Rayne Elise ❤

Needed Breaks

Greetings, everyone! I hope you are all doing well today. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. I cannot say this enough. One thing people should learn about me is that I am someone who takes on more than I should. Being an empath, I care too much about everyone else and their problems. As a result, I ignore my needs to ensure the people around me are good. Yes, I am aware that this is not always good. However, it is hard to change since I have behaved in the same manner since childhood. I am guessing a lot of it stems from unhealed trauma from my tumultuous childhood. If it makes sense, I compensate for the things I did not receive from others. I am usually the strong person most people lean on. Yet when I am in need, there are very few people who I can turn to. In a way, I am used to suffering in silence. This is how I survive.

In the past several months, I have experienced the detriments of taking on more than I can handle. At work, I indirectly run my office. I am the go-to person for nearly everything. If I am not at work, my absence is felt by my coworkers. I am grateful to have a handful of coworkers who recognized I was burning out. In fact, my supervisor begged me to take a temporary leave of absence from work to focus on myself, my health and everything else I have going on. I was reluctant because of how much I anticipated would wait for my return.

At a recent therapy appointment, my therapist took one look at me and expressed the same sentiments as my supervisor. I finally obliged. I rarely take off from work. Since COVID, I tend to work around the clock in between appointments. Recently, my supervisor asked me how I was able to accomplish so much with the volume of work I have in addition to the stress from my personal life. I told her about the extra hours. She urged me to stop working so much overtime. When I return to work, we will map out a plan to make my workflow easier. My supervisor is also trying to find me some help since I alone complete enough work for at least three or more people. I have took on so much for so long that hard work does not phase me.

I have worked hard my whole life. I began employment at the age of 13. I am fairly organized at work. My coworkers tell me how they are amazed at the various Google, Microsoft, and Smartsheet trackers I create to keep track of everything. In fact, they told me they want to adopt a few of them. Over the years, I learned strategies to remain organized. Most people are unaware that I was formally diagnosed with having an Attention Deficit Disorder. Therefore, the creation of tools was essential.

The point that I am trying to make is your body will tell you when it is time to rest. I had a few set backs which cannot be ignored. Do not worry, I promise you that I am okay. When stress levels become too high, there are physical reactions to it. I am dealing with that now. I have been regularly following up with my doctors. Some of their concerns have been decreasing. I even started losing weight.

I hope to accomplish that during this down time. I am not accustomed to taking breaks. However, I plan to use this time to my advantage. I am grateful for everyone who has checked on me during these past few months. The display of love and support means so much to me. My circle will never be able to understand the impact this had on me. When some of my coworkers learned I was going to be away for a period of time, they expressed sadness. I am a little sad to be away from work; however, I needed this time to recuperate. I hope they learn to appreciate me more. I hope even more they learn some of the resiliency that I had to learn in terms of doing their jobs and handling the high volumes. I am not superwoman or as magic as people think I am. I do my best to do right by everyone. I would do anything for anyone. I help everyone. However, it would be nice if my coworkers learned how to also help themselves. Every session, my therapist tells me that I cannot be all things to all people. We are working on me setting more boundaries and taking a step back with many things.

We all cross paths for a reason. We are supposed to learn something from every experience. I learned a lot in the past several months. I am thankful for every experience. I have learned who is truly for me and who aren’t. That is okay. Eventually everything is revealed. I will do things differently moving forward. Please take care of yourselves and focus on you before you focus on anyone else. We only get one life to live and we need to make the most of it. Know when you need to take a break. Do not wait until it is too late. Good luck and best wishes.

❤ Peace and blessings, Rayne Elise ❤

Spreading Positivity

Greetings, everyone! I hope all is well today. I hope 2025 is off to a good start for you. As for me, there has been some highs and lows. For highs, I am handling things better both at work and in my personal life. I am also focusing more on my self-care. I am trying to manage stress better. I am undergoing testing and trying to improve my overall health. I have several appointments scheduled for the next several months to ensure everything is okay. Do not worry, things are fine. I rather be safe than sorry.

Last week, my therapist and I celebrated my various accomplishments from 2024. We discussed the self-work I completed to aid in my healing journey. Healing is not easy by any means; however I am grateful for the progress I have made thus far. I have more work to do. We should always celebrate our accomplishments. My family members are fine. I have checked on most of them. I still spend time speaking with my niece regarding her journey into adulthood. We talk about aspects of her first job as well as her working with people who are from different generations. I will reach out to others shortly. I have also been talking to some of my friends more.

For lows, in the past week, two of my former classmates have passed away. The first person is a friend from high school. I am unsure whether he considered me a friend; however, we were on the school paper together. He was always nice to me. As adults, we traded horror stories from working in retail. The second person is a classmate from middle school. We were not as close. I am saddened by both of their passings. I have extended my sympathy and condolences to their respective families and friends. I am sad when anyone dies. This reminded me again of how short life is. We are only here for a little while. We must make the most of each and every day.

Here is what I want most for everyone this year: peace of mind. I wish happiness, success, love, and joy for everyone. I wish healing for anyone who is facing illness and heartbreak. Spread love and not hate. We have work to do this year. I often say how we as people need to come together. Only positivity should prevail. Good luck and best wishes. Continue to check on your loved ones and friends. Life is too short for the drama and negativity. Have a great day.

Remember, we are one. I love you all. Even those who hate me for any reason, I still have love for you. Peace and blessings, Rayne Elise

Goodbye 2024! Welcome 2025!

Greetings everyone, I hope you are all doing well today. As 2024 comes to a close, I wanted to reflect on the past year. For me, 2024 has been a rollercoaster of highs and lows. I want to thank everyone who supported me during the past year whether directly or indirectly. I will never forget the love and support I have received. It means so much more to me than you all realize. 2024 has been an overall decent year which fills me with gratitude. On an individual level, I learned a lot about myself and I saw a lot of growth. I found my voice. I am at a point in my life where I speak what is on my mind. It is not always well received; however, nothing or no one will stop me from speaking my truth. Honestly, this one aspect has been liberating.

A lot has been accomplished in 2024. For instance, I am slowly climbing out of debt. A portion of my student loans were paid off. My car was paid off today. Other bills were paid off. It will take a few more years for me to get to where I want to be monetarily. I am still a work in progress; however any positive movement is great.

Another accomplishment is that I have been taking care of my health. If you recall my prior post, I spoke about the importance of health screenings. Having my first mammogram may have saved my life. I am learning how to deal with life’s stressors better. This includes putting myself first for a change. I am a caretaker and nurturer by nature. I make sure everyone around me is good, usually putting myself last. I have been doing better with my self care. Self-care is essential.

2024 has taught me many lessons. The first lesson is that life is too short. We need to cherish our loved ones and live life to the fullest. During the past several years, I have attended several funerals. There are so many people I miss every day. I am left with so many memories. In fact, my phone is filled of photos of many of my transitioned relatives and friends. I strongly believe I will lose my grandmother soon. She is honestly one of my favorite people. I cherish our time together. This notion hit me harder after the major car accident I was involved in during the summer.

I have a special prayer for everyone who is battling a physical ailment. I wish everyone nothing but the best in their recovery efforts. You all have my support. We all need a solid support system. Closing out 2024, I have to acknowledge everyone who is dealing with grief, pain, and sadness. I know things have been rough for many; however we made it. Stay strong, my people. Better days are coming. We should look forward to all 2025 has to offer.

One goal I have for 2025 is to travel more. I do not get to travel much since my schedule is very heavy. However, I work so much and I rarely miss time from work. At my job, I have accrued so much paid leave, which I am maxing out. I love road trips. Many people are also suggesting I take a cruise. I have only taken one cruise to the Bahamas with my immediate family during the summer of 2001. My best friend tells me often that he travels to fill his cup. I think I need to take his advice, as I need to regroup. I am learning to do more things by myself. I need fun. I want to try new things.

This year, I have done a lot of thinking regarding my next steps. I am a strategic planner. I try to anticipate various outcomes. If you know astrology, I am a true Libra. Balance is important to me. This planning has helped a lot. I have started scheduling various appointments for next year for a multitude of reasons. I have already began my budget. I have received a slight raise at my job which helps. I plan to organize my house, which will take some time. Most importantly, I plan to continue to be the best version of myself that I can be. I do not make yearly resolutions. I will continue to heal. I will continue to do right by people. I encourage you all to do the best you can. Do what works for you. Whatever you do, be happy. I wish you all nothing but love, peace and joy.

In conclusion, I am grateful to be ending 2024 on a high. Today was such a great day. I want more great days. Let’s grind, everyone. Happy 2025! Peace and blessings, Rayne Elise.

PSA: Health Screenings and Testing

Greetings, Everyone!

I hope you are all doing well today. I want to speak about a topic which is hitting me close to home. Over this past weekend, I had a severe dental abscess which crept up unexpectedly. It caused me to hospitalized at two locations. During my recent hospitalization, I encountered a young man who I assume is in Gen Z. He was unable to answer pertinent questions regarding his visit. He was by himself and he repeatedly had to call his mother for the answers. Parents. please make sure your children are self sufficient to handle their business. This is a recurrent issue I frequently see. Another person I encountered was an elderly man who had a number of ailments. Unfortunately, he had to have emergency surgery. My thoughts and prayers are with him.

Since I recently reached my 40s, I had my first mammogram. After the initial mammogram, I was asked to have more extensive testing. Unfortunately, they detected abnormalities that they are unsure whether they are benign or malignant. Yes, I am scared. I have a family history of breast cancer along with other health conditions. The technicians were telling me not to worry; however I am a worrier by nature. I am trying my best not to worry. I started crying when I was given the oral results of my testing. I instantly thought of my aunt who I lost from breast and bone cancer. I am literally begging one of my friends to schedule a mammogram because I do not want her to end up like me. In recent months, I have learned of so many people who were diagnosed with cancer and other ailments.

People, please schedule your routine medical appointments. Follow up with your physicians. Focus on your mental health. Life is too short to have uncertainty. I am not an advocate for people being over medicate. The health system in the United States is not great; however you have options. I understand everyone have opinions on the topic doctors and hospitals. I understand everyone might not have medical insurance. Yes, I am aware of how costly everything is. All I am saying is that prevention is key. I feel for everyone who is impacted by a chronic illness of any kind. Please consider taking control of your health. If not for me, do it for your friends, families and those who are closest to you. Stay encouraged everyone.

Peace and blessings. ❤ Rayne Elise ❤

In loving memory of everyone I lost due to illness. I love and miss you all.

Lessons from Grandma

Greetings, everyone! I hope you are all doing well. As for me, I am okay. At least I am trying to be with everything that is happening in the world today. Today, I want to talk about something lighthearted. As I have shared in some of the other blog posts, I am very family oriented. I have always loved elderly people. I am fortunate to have had two grandmothers in my life – my maternal grandmother and my ex-husband’s grandmother. Both women have provided tons of memories, and they have given me various lessons in me which I will always remember.

My maternal grandmother is the only biological grandparent I had growing up. For at least 20 years, I have helped my mother and aunts take care of her due to her declining health. It brought us closer over the years. My grandmother has been afflicted with dementia, and it has been hard watching her change. I am grateful she is still with us. However, I fear her time is nearing.

Presently, I enjoy watching certain television shows with her. We talk about life. Like me, Grandma loves music. Sometimes we listen to Motown era and Country Western music. With dementia, we have the same repeated conversation. She always asks me, “What are you doing with yourself?” My response is always a simple one, “I have been working hard, Grandma.” Grandma then says, “I remembered. I bet your job keeps you plenty busy, huh?” My final response, “Yes it does, Grandma.” I work a demanding, high pace, high stress job. It is cool, but it has its days and challenges. I am often frustrated, but I am working on dealing with it better.

My grandmother and I have similar personalities. We are both quiet and mild-mannered women. We have a love of tall men. My grandmother does not remember many things in her short-term memory. She does remember more long-term memories. Although she does not remember his name, she remembers my father. She always asks about how he is doing. She smiles from the memories. They were really close at one point.

In 2004, I met Ms. Clark. She was the first relative I met from my ex-husband. From day one, she embraced me and treated me like family. She accepted me. We did lots of things together. We talked on the phone a lot. I have always said that she was the “original Madea.” Ms. Clark held no punches, and she did not care how a person thought about it. Now that she is gone, I really miss her. I think about her often. One regret I have is that I did not contact her after I broke up with her grandson. I endured a lot of pain following the breakup. I did not want to bring her into that drama. I am grateful I was able to pay my final respects to her at her wake. As I am currently watching “Tyler Perry’s Diary of a Mad Black Woman movie,” it is making me miss her even more.

Both women endured a lot in their respective lives. Both were the product of numerous siblings (ten or more). Both were born in the 1930s and survived the Great Depression. My grandmother was amongst the younger siblings. Ms. Clark was amongst the elder siblings. As a result. both women had limited educations. They had to work at young ages to help support their families. Both married young and began their families. Both have told me the about the turmoil of marriage. Sadly, I learned those lessons on my own later on. Both women made many sacrifices. Based on their struggles, both pushed me to obtain an education since they were unable to. Additionally, they encouraged hard work. Neither wanted me to have lots of children. So far, I have not had any.

My grandmother is and was a peace-loving person. She hated disputes and drama. She always told me to not react, but let God handle it. Ms. Clark on the other hand had the mentality that she wished people would try her. I promise you it did not end well. Ms. Clark was tough and could back it up. She did not tolerate disrespect from anyone. Most people who knew her knew better. Like my grandmother, I can keep the peace. However, I have my limitations and will set it off. I do not go off often, but it happens. Just know when it happens, I was provoked, and I tried hard to diffuse the situation.

Both women believed in God, and they remained spiritual. I am very spiritual. They worked hard, and they were the backbone of their families. They faced adversity and they were survivors. Ms. Clark always told me that I would be okay because like her, I came up the hard way. In everything I do, I have gratitude. Both could cook. I am skilled at cooking myself. Ironically, the favorite dish they both made was potato salad.

I will never forget this trip I took with Ms. Clark and some of her relatives in 2012. It was her only time flying. Yes, it went exactly how you would expect it to. Both women remained humble. Humbleness is important. Family is everything. Cherish your loved ones, especially your grandparents. I am sad that I was never given the opportunities to get to know my grandfathers. I hope they are all at peace.

I pray there is a cure for dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. I support research efforts for these conditions. For other families who are dealing with these conditions, I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. To watch your loved ones suffer from an illness is heartbreaking. If you or your loved one was recently diagnosed with a condition, please do your research. Build a support system. Remember you are not alone. Being a caregiver in any capacity is not easy, however I choose to reciprocate the love and care my grandmother gave me. I believe strongly in treating people the way I want to be treated. That is the final lesson I learned from them. Please take care of yourselves too. You must focus on your self-care. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Please trust me on this. Burnout is real.

I sincerely hope you enjoyed reading about my grandmothers and the lessons I learned from them. Both of them are special to me. I will hold them near and dear to my heart for an eternity.

This post is dedicated in loving memory to Ms. Clark. I love and miss you, Ms. Clark. Thank you for the memories. Continue to rest easy. As Grandma always told me, “We don’t say goodbye. We say, “see you later.””

Peace and blessings, everyone. ❤ Rayne Elise ❤

The Brink of Life

Greetings, Everyone!

I hope you are all doing well today. I hope life is treating you well. I am often told that no matter what one person is going through, someone has it worse. Just know everything happens for a reason. We are supposed to gain something from every experience.

Today (Sunday, June 30, 2024) I come before you grateful to be alive. Yesterday afternoon, my father and I were involved in a major car accident right after we left a church retreat in Pennsylvania. See, we were heading back to our home state when tragedy struck. No, I was not driving the car, but I was the passenger. Unfortunately, the details are a bit fuzzy. Maybe it is because I am still in shock due to the nature of the situation. Here is what I remember: we were turning from one straight. We stopped at the stop sign and waited. As soon as we were about to turn right, a car that was coming straight from the main street accelerated and both vehicles collided. Sadly, our vehicle is definitely totaled. Likely, the other one is too. Thankfully, there were only minor injuries. Everyone survived. I am grateful for that. No matter the outcome, vehicles can be replaced. People cannot be replaced. I am happy to be living another day to tell my story.

At the time of the accident, we were in a rural part of Pennsylvania which had a lot of farmland. I do not really know where we were at. My father and I were almost stranded in PA. My sister had to drive across state lines to take us home. I am thankful for that. The AAA tow truck driver did not have room to take us home. We called our pastor who was unable to take off. We could not rent a vehicle as the nearest car rental place was closed. Being in a rural area, there were no nearby trains or buses. Nor were there cabs or other public transportation methods. Since my iPhone is programmed with emergency contacts, my parents, sister and one friend received alerts. My sister and friend called me immediately as soon as I finished speaking with the emergency dispatchers on the phone. My phone automatically called emergency responders due to the severity of the impact. Apple: thank you so much for this feature.

I texted my best friend of 25 years when we were at the church retreat and after the car accident. He has been great by repeatedly checking on me around the clock. This man has hung in there with me throughout so much. Everyone needs a true friend who will be with you through thick and thin. For me, he has been that. I have not had many friends in life. He is the best one I ever had. I love all of my friends. He has seen more sides of me than anyone else. We hang out more than anyone else. I love him so much more than he realizes.

I have been in contact with other people over the past couple of days. At the retreat yesterday, I also texted a different friend and co-worker. I did not contact her after the accident because I did not want her to worry about me. I am a bit shaken up, but okay. Today, I reached out to my director and another coworker to tell them about the accident. They have offered their support. Because I must deal with the insurance company and handle every aspect of this accident, I took Monday and Tuesday off of work. I rarely take off, and I have over 900 hours of leave I need to use or lose. I really need time to really process everything. I do have my bi-weekly therapy session this week, which is good. I will definitely need it.

To the parties in the other vehicle, I thank you all for checking on us after this unfortunate situation. I really hope your daughter is okay. Please ensure she receives help for any potential trauma. I experienced a lot of driving trauma as a child, which led to some of my driving issues as an adult. Trust me on this. Thank you for being civil about it. To the emergency responders involved, thank you for your service and assistance. To the tow truck driver, Tony, thank you for your kindness and patience. To our pastor, thank you for your help as well. It was greatly appreciated. We appreciate your hospitality and generosity in paying for our meal. To the diner staff, thank you for your kindness and hospitality. To my church family, I was happy to see so many of you at the retreat. I hope you all made it back home safely.

I took some photos of both vehicles at the time of the accident. Today, I had to take additional photos and video of our vehicle which had to be sent to the insurance company. I am honestly unsure of how we made it out of the car. The emergency responders were amazed the airbags did not deploy based on the impact of the accident. I know people who died in car accidents of less magnitude. We are truly fortunate. I am trying to find the positives from this situation.

I thank you all for allowing me to be vulnerable for a minute. I have been strong after this accident, and I am proud of myself. In July 2022, I was involved in a different car accident. I was the driver in that one. I was heading to my then part-time job. No, I was not at fault. That was a hard ordeal that severely traumatized me. It took months of fighting for that matter to be resolved. The other driver in that accident was a complete and utter jerk. Shortly after hitting my car, he was involved in another at-fault accident. I still have nightmares from that one. His insurance company made no effort to investigate my claim. It was not handled properly. I strongly believe in karma. I believe in displaying kindness as much as possible. We never know what anyone else is dealing with or internalizing. My grandmother always raised me to not react to horrible things, but to let God handle them. Religion plays a major role in my family’s lives. We were spared, and it could have been worse.

Please be safe in your travels. Live your life to the best of your ability. Tell people you love them. Spread love. It does not matter your race, ethnicity, gender, pronouns, age, political affiliation, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, etc. Just be a good human being. We all bleed the same blood. No one is above or better than the other. One of my favorite quotes comes from a song, “Ghetto Gospel,” by 2Pac: “It’s not about black or white, cuz we’re human. I hope we see the light before it’s ruined.” Thank you again for your love and support. It means so much more than you know.

Peace and blessings, Rayne Elise ❤ ❤

2024 Check-In

Greetings everyone,

I hope your 2024 is going well. As for me, 2024 has been a rollercoaster. Up to this point, there has been some high points and low points. As a trained Social Worker, I believe in the strengths based perspective. It is important to try to have a positive mindset. I know this is easier said than done. It is something I have to remind myself daily. No matter how bad your days are, any day above ground is a good day.

Back to the 2024 year-to-date story. Highs: my eldest niece is graduating from high school in a few weeks. I am very proud and excited for her. This has been a journey. Last month, I even escorted her to a college event. We spent that weekend together. My niece is honestly one of my favorite people. She was born as soon as I became an adult. No matter what happens in life, she will always be my first born. We are extremely close. We talk often about life and the pursuit of happiness. I am a mother figure for her.

Despite all of my trials and tribulations, I try to be for her what I wish I had. In a way, she also fills the void I carry of not having any children yet. Due to my circumstances, it is unlikely I will ever have biological children. I love children, and I am a nurturer by nature. My sister is not as hands on with her children as I am. In a way, it drives my niece crazy, but she is grateful for it at the same time. So I guess it balances out. Her personality type is a lot like mine, which is opposite of her parents. Like me, she is very introverted. I want to be there for her as support while she navigates life as a young adult. My baby isn’t a baby anymore.

Watching my niece grow up is one of the biggest highlights in my life. I have so many wonderful stories which I can share about her. Here is one…. Did I mention how my niece is the reason I have a 90-hour Head Start Certificate. One day I had to volunteer at her Head Start program since my sister was unable to. They needed parent volunteers, and I was off my job that particular day. My niece was not thrilled about me being there. She refused to sit with me. Nor did she want to play with me. One of her classmates grabbed my hand and walked to a different table for me and her to play. My niece saw this and became mad. If looks could kill. LOL. I asked my niece why she reacted like that. Of course she did not really have an answer. My niece makes me laugh in a way most people can’t. Laughter is good for the soul. You have to laugh to keep from crying.

This brings me to other high points so far this year. I have learned to articulate my feelings and needs more than I ever have before. As I mentioned before, I have endured so much in my life. I never really felt heard. People tend to lean on me so much, but I really don’t have anyone to lean on. Yes I am in therapy, but when are hard days like this between sessions, I bottle my emotions inside. My father listens and cares, but to a degree. I don’t like to feel like I am whining and complaining. Nor do I want to be a burden to anyone or bring anyone down. With that being said, I am expressing myself more, which is a significant improvement for me. One of the mistakes I made in life was repressing my feelings, and then exploding when everything builds up. Any sign of improvement and growth is a great thing. More growth is needed.

Other highs – an increase in driving. I have only been a licensed driver for six years. Learning how to drive was a challenge. I have an anxiety disorder, and unfortunately driving is a trigger for me. I find it to be stressful. especially where live. My state notoriously makes the lists for bad drivers. I promise you I am not a bad driver. In recent weeks, I have been driving nearly every day. There was a time when my car was parked more than I would drive. My driving has come a long way, as I am able to do things I could not do before. There was a time I nearly almost gave up driving.

Another high is I am getting better with my self care. I honestly suck at taking care of myself. I take care of everyone, and make sure they are good. My therapist reminds me to take time for myself. I am always on the go, which can be exhausting. My schedule tends to be very heavy, and I rarely have down time. I am working to change that. There are things I would like to do, such as dating. I think I am finally ready. Right now, a brunch date sounds like fun. We will see what happens. I do not think I ever went on a truly established date. Don’t get me wrong, I had fun with my friends. My therapist encourages me to go after what I want. I want to have more fun and live my best life. All I do is work.

With highs comes lows. So far, there are not a lot of lows, and I am grateful for that. First thing is my grandmother is declining health-wise. She recently celebrated her 91st birthday. Many of my family members celebrated with her. Grandma has dementia, which is progressing. My family started detecting potential issues with my Grandmother’s health around 2003. I help take care of my grandmother. She is honestly one of my favorite people. I am very close to my grandmother. We talk. We typically watch the following television shows together: Andy Griffith, Golden Girls, Westerns, and her favorite Law and Order.

It is hard for me to say the next part. Grandma is transitioning soon. Her dementia is in an advanced stage. I visited her a couple of weeks ago. During that visit, she only wanted to remain in bed. She did not want to eat or talk. It was a short visit. I relayed the summary of the visit to my mother and aunts. They expressed Grandma has been the same and other visits. I see her next week, and I hope she will be more interactive. I am starting to let go. I will miss her very much. She is the only grandparent I had growing up. No matter what happens to anyone, my conscience is clear. I cherish the memories.

Here is what I want for the rest of 2024. Reach out to your strong friends and family members, the ones who ensure everyone around them is good. Too often, people are suffering in silence. I too am guilty of that. I keep a lot to myself because I listen to everyone else’s problems. Yes I know everyone is dealing with something. There are a lot of things people don’t always speak about.

I can only speak for myself here. People have always treated me like me and my feelings don’t matter. I fight everyday of my life about something. Mentally. physically and emotionally, I am tired. I am learning how to deal with life’s stressors better. I try to be strong, but it feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I care too much. I take on too much. It is my goal to fall back.

I ultimately want peace and happiness for everyone. Thank you all for the support. Here’s to a great 2024. I love you all. Thank you for your time. Enjoy your day.

❤ Rayne Elise ❤

Celebration of frienships

Greetings, everyone! I hope you are all well today. Today’s post is based on recent conversations that I had last week. I am incredibly introverted, as I have said before. I do not make friends easily. I never did. In fact, there are a handful of people who I consider a friend. Many of my friends are older than I am. I always seemed to gravitate towards older people. Maybe that is because I have an old soul. I want to talk a little about them. All of my friends mean a lot to me. I am eternally grateful for them all. They truly make my life better.

First is the newest friend I made. She is a coworker of mine. She is honestly one of the sweetest people I ever met. She is one of the happiest and bubbly people too. We started working together in the middle of last year. I am always happy to see her. Often, she checks on me to see how my day is going. When I am not in my own little world, I try to do the same for her. See, we work in a fast-paced, high-demand job. We serve as each other’s support. Lately, the demands have been more overwhelming, so we bounce ideas off of each other in terms of how we can handle it better, This has helped a lot. For my birthday last year, she texted me the sweetest message which brought me to tears. When I returned to work from Christmas break, I had a postcard from her home country and lotion, which made me smile. She truly is my favorite person at my job. A lot of times when we are in the office together, we talk. I strongly believe that we all cross paths for a reason. I am thankful our paths have met.

The second friend I will talk about is a former coworker. She and I have been friends for nearly 14 years now, as we worked together in my first office. We are so similar in terms of personality and other factors that it is scary. We are both short in stature. We have similar builds. We are around the same age. Both of us are detail-oriented when we complete our work. Our coworkers used to confuse us a lot. So much life has happened to us over the years. I wish we hung out more. We do text from time to time to check-in. Once we stopped working together, I missed her terribly.

The next friend is someone else I worked closely with some years ago. We remained friends for many years. I never thought our friendship would become what it is today. He has been more of a husband to me than my husband was. He checks in throughout the day to see how I am doing. He stepped in to teach me how to drive at a point when I was ready to give up. We endured a lot at our job. He fought for me in ways no one else has. Like me, he has a profound love of music. We have a bond that is more than I could ask for. I wish things were different. Life is rough for him, and I spend time trying to console him as he navigates through his obstacles. He calls me his ram in the bush. I do not usually get close to people, but with him, it was an instant connection.

The final friend I will talk about today is my longest friend of 25 years. We met in high school. I was one year ahead of him. He was the first friend I made when I transferred schools. He was the only person I made it a point to remain in contact with after high school. We did the same extracurricular activities (speech and debate and the school paper). In fact, he was my pillow for those long out-of-state trips.

We used to argue a lot to the point where many people who knew us assumed we would become married by the 20-year mark. In the back of my mind, I wish we explored dating. I feel it is unlikely we will and that is probably for the best. I think we would drive each other crazy. Plus, I do not think his mother would deem me good enough for him. Plus I think he has someone in mind. Just reminiscing about this is making me laugh. We hung out a lot over the years. Unfortunately, we have extremely heavy schedules and we rarely see each other. We love to eat when we do hang out. He is a true foodie. At some point, we discussed taking a sushi-making class together.

My highlight of 2023 was attending Mariah Carey’s concert with him in December. Honestly, it was a dream fulfilled. Since 1990, I have always been a huge Mariah fan. Let him tell it, I am a super die-hard fan who would fight if anyone says anything bad about her or her music. That is not necessarily the case. I love music. In many ways, her music saved and comforted me over the years. I also tried to meet her so many times. That was the best night I ever had. I do not think I ever had so much fun.

Many of the best memories in my life involve him in some way. We have been there for so many of each other’s life events. We supported each other at our lowest points. He has been my shoulder to cry on since we were children (13 and 14 years old). I never forgotten that. He is the main friend who would help me if I need help. He is also the main person who calls me out on my crap. He has been my voice of reason so much over the years.

He was always super protective of me. I never understood why he was that way with me. Now that I am thinking back, he always disliked any male I was close to then… and now. When he learned I was dating my ex-husband, I do not think I ever experienced him being so angry. In case you are thinking he and I should have that conversation we have been avoiding, I did ask him about it once. Unfortunately, I had a little too much to drink that night and passed out as he started answering. I do not know what he said to this day. I rarely drink, and I am a lightweight when I do drink. My father and I had a conversation a few days ago about him. Dad believes we should explore dating. I have mixed feelings about it. We will see what happens in the future. No matter who this friend ends up with, I just want him to be happy. He is a great catch and I know he would make an excellent husband. No matter what, he will be my friend for life.

Friends are a blessing. I have a few more friends than I ones I spoke of here. I love and appreciate all of them. They show me how people should treat one another. I do not think they understand the impact they have had on my life. I have endured so much. I never really fit in anywhere. I am different. However, my friends and I, although we are very different are like a perfect fitting puzzle.

The point of this post is to speak about the importance of cherishing your friends and the vast experiences you will have with them. We should spread love, positivity, and joy. We all need someone. We all have a need to feel that we belong and we are accepted as is. Friends should grow with you and push you to become a better version of yourself. You should do the same for them. True friends will make your life better in ways you could not imagine. I ask you to join me in celebrating your friends. <Cue the theme song from the “Golden Girls” television show.>

Peace and blessings everyone. ❤ Rayne Elise ❤

Thank You for Being a Friend

Song by Andrew Gold

Lyrics

Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down a road and back again
Your heart is true, you’re a pal and a confidant

I’m not ashamed to say
I hope it always will stay this way
My hat is off, won’t you stand up and take a bow

And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you knew
Well, you would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say

Thank you for being a friend
Thank you for being a friend
Thank you for being a friend
Thank you for being a friend

If it’s a car you lack
I’d surely buy you a Cadillac
Whatever you need, any time of the day or night

I’m not ashamed to say
I hope it always will stay this way
My hat is off, won’t you stand up and take a bow

And when we both get older
With walking canes and hair of gray
Have no fear, even though it’s hard to hear
I will stand real close and say

Thank you for being a friend (I wanna thank you)
Thank you for being a friend (I wanna thank you)
Thank you for being a friend (I wanna thank you)
Thank you for being a friend (I wanna thank you)

Let me tell you ’bout a friend (I wanna thank you)
Thank you for being a friend (I wanna thank you)
Thank you for being a friend (I wanna thank you)
Thank you for being a friend (I wanna thank you)

And when we die and float away
Into the night, the Milky Way
You’ll hear me call as we ascend
I’ll see you there, then once again

Thank you for being a

Thank you for being a friend (I wanna thank you)
Thank you for being a friend (I wanna thank you)
Thank you for being a friend (I wanna thank you)
Thank you for being a friend
People, let me tell you ’bout a friend (I wanna thank you)
Thank you for being a friend (I wanna thank you)
Thank you for being a friend (I wanna thank you)
Thank you for being a friend

Whoa, tell you ’bout a friend (let me thank you right now for being a friend)
Thank you for being a friend (I wanna tell you ’bout a pal and I’ll tell you again)
Thank you for being a friend (I wanna thank you, thank you)
Thank you for being a friend

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Andrew M Gold