Hi Everyone,
I hope you are all well today. I want to take a moment to thank everyone for the love and support you all have shown me in the two years since I had this blog. I have endured a lot throughout my life. This blog has not only been my voice, but a therapeutic tool to help me to rediscover myself as well as reach various people. As a student, the majority of my teachers always told me that I am one of the best writers that they have ever seen. They encouraged me to always write, if I decided to do nothing else in life. When I started this blog, I can honestly say that I was extremely broken, based on years of adversity affecting me. I can honestly say that I have come a long way, however, I am still a work in progress. I see a lot of growth within myself, but I have more growing and healing to undergo.
This past week has been very challenging for me emotionally, physically, mentally, socially and spiritually. I have spent a lot of this time reflecting on many of the current relationships in my life. In terms of family, I have a better relationship with some members compared to others. My youngest sister and I never really had a relationship. It came to a head within the last few months when our mother instituted a major dispute. I am at a point where I am tired of trying. Therefore, it is highly unlikely we will be close. Maybe it is our age difference (13 years) or the fact that we are opposites personality wise. She is more of a narcissist and I am more of a giver. I am okay with the current state of our relationship. I also have solace knowing I have gone above and beyond and out of my way to mend relationships. My relationship with my mother is strained too. After that dispute, I have reduced my interactions with her. We always had a tumultuous relationship, as I grew up feeling unloved and unwanted. That is a hurtful way for anyone to grow up. My relationship with my other sister is better. We talk more. We weren’t close growing up, but we grew closer as she had children. I treat both of my nieces like I would treat my own kids. It is likely they might be the closest I ever get to having children of my own. I have a history of obesity and fertility issues (Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome {PCOS}). My sister and I frequently talk. One phone conversation lasted over three hours. We are close together in age (one year and one day apart). It is because of this that we can relate to each other. This sister is extremely extroverted. I on the other hand am extremely introverted. My brother and I don’t really have a relationship either. When he was down and out recently, his girlfriend reached out to me in an effort to correspond with him. Now that he is doing better, our relationship will likely go back to being nonexistent. We are 18 years apart in age. He is now a father. I spent some time talking to his girlfriend. Please understand, I want the best for everyone. Yes, these relationships hurt. At the same time, I cannot always be the bigger person or the one giving. I am closest to my father. Our relationship isn’t perfect. He understands me and listens to me more than most.
I never had a lot of friends in my life. I am okay with that. Making friends was always a struggle for me. I was always different. I never really fit in at any time. I still don’t. I am grateful for the friends I do have. The longest, consistent friendship I have has been my best friend. We are heading into 23 years of friendship. When I transferred right before my sophomore year of high school, he was the first friend I made. Everyone who knew us assumed we would marry sometime after high school. I was open to us dating. He wasn’t. LOL. In retrospect, maybe that was for the best. We would have honestly driven each other crazy. We argue a lot about dumb stuff. We always have. Once as adults, we argued about my clothes for four days. We both work in demanding professions, so we aren’t able to talk or hang out as much. I really miss those days. COVID-19 made things worst.
For the most part, I reached out to people more than they reached out to me. I thought about that a lot this week. I usually only hear from people when they are down and out and/or they want something. I feel like people take me for granted. They treat me as if I am disposable. This has been hurting me a lot. One friend was recently telling me about her work woes. Being the person I am, I offered feedback and tried to come up with solutions, which she was not receptive to. I haven’t really heard from other friends. The one friend who did talk to me on a regular basis has abruptly changed his demeanor towards me. I don’t know why, but I am very hurt by it. All of these recent interactions are prompting me to fall back and stay to myself. I have to at this point to regroup and rebuild. I hope everyone is okay. Sometimes, I really wish people would be more open and honest with me, especially about their intentions.
After years of having low self-esteem for numerous reasons, I am learning how to love myself. Because of this, I no longer accept or tolerate many of the behaviors from people that are contributing to my sadness. I suffer with depression. I believe I became depressed as early as five years old based on being bullied in school. I have a lot of traumas that I never adequately dealt with, which impacts me today. It is crippling at times.
I have been in and out of therapy for years. Most recently, I did a two year stint prior to COVID-19. The therapist I had was actually more screwed up than me. She would spend a portion of each weekly session talking about herself, her children, what she wanted to eat and/or order, her friends and other patient’s issues. She did not provide their names, but it felt unethical. I am sure she talked about me too. She was opinionated and judgmental. She never took notes. I felt like very little was accomplished. In March 2020, I received a letter from my insurance company stating she was being dropped from their roster as a participating provider. That was my exit and I am grateful I took it. This week reminded me that I need to seek therapy again.
The point that I am trying to make with this post is that we as people need to take time out to reflect and evaluate our lives. I am nowhere near where I want to be. I am thankful to still be alive. I am able to share my story. I am in the process of changing my story for the better. I am grateful to be where I am in life. In the midst of COVID-19, I am still gainfully employed. My current director is one of the best people who I have ever worked with. I aspire to be like her some day. Even with being obese, my health is fair. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I am not changing who I am as a person. I will remain true to myself. I have some people who love me. People don’t always reciprocate the love that I give. I am honest in the fact that I am not an easy person to deal with. Maybe I care too much because of my empathetic nature. Maybe I try too hard. Being an over-thinker can be damaging. If 2020 taught me nothing else, it taught me how to rediscover me. I lost myself trying to please and appease everyone. I accepted a lot of mistreatment, which is why I think people became comfortable with the way they treat me. Ultimately people will do what you allow.
Going into 2021, I know hat I will not be as nice and complacent. I have also taken a step back from everyone. Letting go is hard, but necessary when holding on becomes painful. I want people to keep that same energy they give me when they are in a bind. I will not be rescuing anyone anymore. I have loaned money, which I never received back. I have countless examples of being taken advantage of. I am learning how to be more expressive with my feelings. Unfortunately, I am used to people diminishing my feelings. Often, I am told I am misinterpreting, misreading and/or imaging things. I have learned that this is a form of manipulation for people to continue their actions by guilt-tripping me into accepting it. I learned a lot in 2020. There are a lot of things I am doing differently in 2021. I hope each and every one of you take the time to reflect and rediscover yourselves. This leads you into becoming the best version of you.
Happy Holidays everyone. I am not really in the holiday spirit this year. I have my reasons. I hope you all remain safe. Please continue to practice social distancing. Wear your masks. Wash and sanitize your hands often. Self quarantine if necessary. I wish you all a great 2021. I will be blogging more in 2021. Stay positive and blessed.
~> Rayne Elise
Discovery Journey 