Greetings Everyone,
I hope you are all well today. There are so many things that I want to say right now. I really don’t know where to begin, so I will speak from my heart. 2020 has been an overall challenging year for everyone. Between the global coronavirus pandemic (COVID-19); to the historic presidential election where Mr. Joe Biden was elected over President Donald Trump. (Let me say this, I have a lot of opinions on this topic alone; however I will not add it to this point). There has been so many movements to bring awareness to the betterment of Black Lives (here’s a nod to all of the grassroots organizations, protests and changes in laws). We still have a long way to go, collectively as a country to heal. However, I hope 2021 is a much better year.
I can honestly say that I wish a lot of things were different. This year, despite its challenges, has also been one of reflection and growth. Let us take a moment to remember all of those loved ones who, while they are no longer alive in the physical realm; their spirit and memories live on forever. I personally experienced some loss, which is painful to grieve. May every one of them rest in peace. This is why I heavily advocate for people to spread love and cherish their loved ones while they are here. No matter what happens to anyone, especially those people who are close to me; my conscience is clear. We also need to honor our elders. They need our love and support more than ever. This brings me to my first lesson…
As you may know, I am very close to my grandmother. I grew up with knowing her as my only grandparent. I had grandfathers, but I did not know either of them prior to their deaths. My paternal grandmother died when my father was a child. I am very vocal about this: my grandmother has dementia. She has had it for a while, and she has went through several stages. Unfortunately, she worsened due to COVID-19. See my grandmother resides in an assisted living facility in my state, but in a different city. My mother and aunts rotate weekly to bring her food and personal items; do some light cleaning and to spend quality time with her. I usually go with my mother. I also call her as much as possible. My schedule is extremely heavy, so I try to call her at least bi-weekly. Once COVID happened and social distancing was implemented, my family was unable to visit her. She declined so heavily that she was hospitalized. It was too much for her. Once she was released from the hospital, she rotated amongst the family. She spent a month with my mother and I. It had lots of challenges. Grandma required some rehabilitation. We also discovered another side of her in the process. It was hard making Grandma comfortable and happy. However, she rebounded and she eventually moved back to her apartment. My family hired daily aids to help. We still rotate and visit her (of course with social distancing). This experience has taught me that an elder can decline rapidly when they are faced with more adversity than usual.
Another lesson that I learned is the importance of being my own advocate. I am very vocal about how much I have endured in my life. I am someone who used to accept anything that was said and done to me. I have suffered from some abuse in my life, much of which I am still working through. I learned that no one will be as good to me, as I am good to myself. I speak up more. If I feel my inner peace is being threatened, I walk away. I have removed myself from a lot of situations where I was being mistreated. I see a lot of growth in myself; however, I acknowledge I have a long way to go. I am a work in progress. Being able to express things I am feeling is very freeing in a way that I have never experienced before. I don’t accept the foolishness any more.
The next lesson that I have learned is about love. I had to learn how to love myself. I had to learn how to heal. I am still learning. You cannot love anyone else if you don’t love yourself. I am not perfect by any means. I am authentic and as God intended for me to be. I like the person I am. I have a lot of good qualities, but I also have a lot of bad ones. This ideology is important in dealing with relationships. I have spoken a lot about past ones. For the most part, I stay to myself.
My father and I are extremely close. I feel like there is not a person alive that understands me to the same extent he does. He is more patient with me than most. I am the epitome of a daddy’s girl. I am also a little spoiled. With that being said, dad and I talk daily about life. He gives me advice,. but he calls me out on my crap. One of the main things he advises for me to do is to clear my head and focus on myself. This is invaluable advice, as I am finding that I am happier as a result of taking this advice. This is a big lesson, especially in a year like this one.
Many people suggest I date. I have many reservations based on my prior experiences. I am in no position to be in a relationship right now. I do not have a lot of free time or money. I have someone (a friend) in mind who I want to take that journey with. However, that is a complex situation. In fact, he gave me his friend’s phone number yesterday. He states his friend thinks I am interesting, and he wants to get to know me. I don’t know what he told his friend about me. I do not know this friend. My best judgement is telling me not to reach out to his friend. I also feel rejected, which means I am pulling back from him too. I am someone who loves hard. The point of this scenario is that this year taught me how to walk away. I know now that there is nothing wrong with me. It is their loss. People have more to lose from my friendship than I do, as they heavily rely on me. He is one of those people who does. It is okay to feel sadness when things don’t happen the way we intend. The lesson is to learn from it, grow and regroup.
I learned the importance of budgeting and monetary planning. This year had a lot of setbacks. However I am learning how to manage better financially. I have made so many spreadsheets to aid in budgeting and planning. They are working, as I am slowly climbing out of debt. I am also able to save money. Learning never stops. We can all stand to learn a thing or two from every experience.
For instance, a young woman who is dating my younger brother messaged me on Instagram. She told me who she was as well as some of their circumstances and issues. She told me things about their situation that were red flags in my opinion. I told her the treatment she receives isn’t love and she needs to lover herself and the child they created. Love is blind and it can make you do some crazy things. However, no one deserves to be mistreated and undervalued. Yes, people have on blinders. Trust me. I have been there and done that. I listen. I even made peace with my brother. That too is a story for another time. Just know, family can be toxic. It is okay to distance yourselves from them when you need to preserve your sanity.
I want to become a motivational speaker. I really want to reach the younger generations. I try hard to be to people what I wish I had. I encourage people and give advice. I spend a lot of time engaging in community involvement. This is important and it keeps me on my toes.
The final thoughts that I will leave you with are these: we never know what curve balls life will throw at us at any given time. We are not immune to the trials and tribulations of life. We do not always know how to solve or navigate our problems. We don’t always know how to heal form and/or deal with our issues. That is okay. We will all eventually make it. As this year comes to a close, reflect on everything. Continue to learn and thrive. Who and what is for us, will be for us. Always remember that.
Peace and blessings everyone,
~ Rayne Elise
Discovery Journey 