Tag: writing

If I were to marry again

Greetings, everyone! I hope you are all doing well. One topic which comes up a lot for me is dating and whether I would remarry. I have been single for a long time. Someone recently pointed out that I have been single for nearly ten years. I did not realize it had been that long. I tried dating, and I have been met with many challenges. I have nothing but disappointment and horror stories. First, I am super introverted. Meeting new people in any capacity is hard for me. I am a little socially awkward. I also hate small talk. The men I have met have not been of the best caliber. I can tell some stories.

People promise to make plans with me, but nothing materializes from those encounters. For example, many years ago (maybe between 2017 and 2021), I connected with this man on a dating app. I do not remember if it was Bumble or Hinge. We exchanged phone numbers. Every time we made plans, something always came up. Unfortunately, I have a very low tolerance for foolishness. I do not like to waste my time or anyone else’s. Anyway, this man kept my number. He periodically texts me with the same foolishness. I just left it alone. I was never really interested in him anyway.

People find it hard that I am trying so hard to heal. I am a broken person, and I want to resolve some of my unhealed trauma. As you can see from some of my other posts, my life has not been the easiest. There are many things I never dealt with. I am slowly working through everything now, which is why I advocate for healing and therapy. I do not let people get too close to me because I am usually left with disappointments.

I have never really dated to begin with. I am unsure whether I actually been on a real truly established date. I hang out with my platonic male friends from time to time, but I do not think they would consider it dating. Maybe I am wrong. I have done some cool things with friends that I will always cherish. Thinking back, I remember going out with this one guy. We drove around in his car for a couple of hours listening to music. That was fun. Music is everything to me. It saddens me that I am always friend zoned and sistered. However, maybe it is best. I truly believe there is a reason and purpose for everything. I just wish I understood what the reason and purpose was.

My marriage was my only real relationship, and it was not a good one. It was honestly one of the most painful experiences I ever had. It is not that I never gotten over it. I was over it three years before it ended. I guess I am hurt about the effort I made fighting to make something work that should have never been. To put your all into something that failed, it made me think about a lot of things, such as my role in the breakup and what I could have done differently. I guarantee this, it is a pain I never want to endure again. It is not that I never gotten over it. I was mentally checked out three years before we separated. I guess I am struggling with the fact I repressed so many emotions and I am trying to deal with it now. After marriage, I am left with severe trust issues. I know I cannot hold every man responsible for what one did, and I won’t. I just want to find a man who would give me a reason to let my guard down some. Unfortunately, I have yet to meet that person.

I am not opposed to dating. I would just rather my mindset be a little better first. Someone told me if I keep waiting until I am a little further in my healing, it would be too late for me. I am okay with being single. I am at peace with it. Do I become sad at times, absolutely. I wish many things were different. I would like to go on a date. So much so that I am deciding to date myself. I need to have fun. I do not want to wait on anyone else. Happiness comes from within. I have a list of date ideas which I keep. People are so worried about me that they want to set me up with their friends and relatives. I have turned it down, but I have been thinking about it. Maybe I will change my stance on being set up.

Then the subject of me remarrying comes up. I am not against it. I would really have to love someone who reciprocates their love for me. One of my friends who is around my parents’ age told me to make a list of qualities that I want in a spouse. I did. This is in no particular order. I am a very chill person. I am open to my spouse having female friends. Have fun, but communicate about who you are with and what you are doing. Respect me and my feelings, and I will do the same. I work incredibly hard, and I want someone who matches my work ethic. I am family oriented and great with children. I want someone who at least treats their mother well. Spirituality is important to me. I am not overly religious. I was raised Christian. I am not saying he has to be Christian too. I want someone who understands my intentions are good. I want someone who will build me up as I do the same for them. I love cooking. It is actually my biggest talent. I want someone who can love and accept me as I am, flaws and all. I do not mind if he has children. Presently, I do not have children, but I always wanted them. For the age range, I would say someone born between 1976 – 1986. If I am really feeling a person, I am willing to adjust that. Race and ethnicity does not matter to me. I like whoever likes me. Physical attributes do not matter either although I tend to prefer tall. I am a short queen. I rule out nothing.

The biggest thing that I have learned is that whoever and whatever is for me will be for me. There would be no fighting when it is truly mine. I am starting to make peace with a lot of things. There are some things that I am not willing to compromise about. If I had my way, there is a person I know who I would marry without hesitation. We will see what happens.

If you are in the same or a similar situation, it is okay to be single. Build yourself up. Focus on you and developing yourself. Heal. Strive and thrive. Do not let people dictate what you do if you are not ready. People need to understand everyone has their reasons for their actions. Everything happens when it is supposed to. I just want to be in the best place possible if or when I finally receive the love that I deserve and always wanted. I do not know where my story ends, but I am trusting better days are coming.

To my ex-husband despite the pain, I want to thank you for the years we shared. Our relationship and ultimate break-up produced some of the hardest lessons of my life. I thank you for the good times we had. Although it hurts me things did not work out between us, I am grateful for the experience. I truly believe that it is better to love and lost than to have never loved at all. I am grateful for the closure and apology you gave me the last time we spoke. It meant a lot. I hope you and your family are doing well. I wish you nothing but the best. I wish you joy and happiness. I thank you for being a part of my journey, which tapped into a level of strength I did not know I had. You were an integral part of shaping me into the woman I am now.

Peace and blessing everyone. ❤ Rayne Elise ❤

Vulnerability

Greetings everyone, I hope you are all doing well. First and foremost, my thoughts and prayers are with everyone as we are facing some unprecedented times. I hope you know you are loved. If no one else tells you they love you, I love you. I am thankful for the support for you all have shown me so far. You have no idea how much it means to me. So far, 2025 has been a rough year. Everyone is battling something that they may not speak about. I wish the best for everyone. I urge everyone to display kindness, empathy, and patience as much as possible. Any little thing can set someone over the edge.

I am about to be vulnerable to a few minutes. This year, my mental, physical, and emotional health has suffered. My year began with me being told I needed to have surgeries – dental and breast. Due to overwhelming stress, my therapist completed the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) paperwork requesting a two-month leave of absence. His hope was that I would heal and regroup after surgery. Sadly that time came and went very fast. I did not accomplish as much as I hoped I would. The return to work was even more challenging.

There is good and bad in every element of life. Work is no different. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my job. Work is a huge source of my stress. I do the best I can to manage my emotions when it comes to work. I work with many people who are higher positions who lack the fundamentals of leadership. This results in myself and others having to compensate for their shortcomings. It becomes frustrating on a daily basis. I know I should not let things affect me like they do. I am working to change that. Things tend to affect me deeply.

I feel very misunderstood and unheard. I am grateful for my core work group, family members, and friends. They listen to me to a a degree. Many of them give me their unsolicited opinions and criticisms of how I handle things. One thing I hear often is that I do not handle constructive feedback well. While that may be the case, sometimes I just need for people to listen. If I want opinions, I would ask. Oftentimes, the unsolicited opinions make matters worse. There are times when things should not be said. More times than not, I wish people kept their opinions to themselves.

I rarely express myself based on the feedback I receive. Expression often feels pointless. My therapist says I have difficulty expressing my needs and articulating my feelings. This is a defense mechanism or trauma response stemming from my childhood. I have always been different. I never understood why I was different. I never fit in anywhere. I do not gravitate towards people well since I am super introverted. People have asked me if I were autistic or have Asperger’s syndrome. To my knowledge, I only have an attention deficit disorder without hyperactivity. I am probably neurodivergent in other ways which are worth exploring.

Speaking for myself, when I share my feelings, it is for people to listen and understand me. Everything does not require a response. I understand there are people who want to be seen as helpful. That is good and fine. I request that you know your person well enough to understand when to proceed with commentary. It is okay to disagree. Never tear anyone down.

I am learning that I am overstimulated. Recently, I enrolled into an online program for a second master’s degree in Project Management. Do not worry, I am only taking one course at a time. So far, it is going well. I have an A in this initial course. However, it has been challenging fully engaging in this course with competing priorities.

Always having been a caregiver to others, I suck at self-care. Everything is correlated. I believe everything happens for a reason. We all cross paths for a reason. I wish I understood what the purpose was for the course of my life. I am trying ti find myself and heal so that I can gravitate towards whatever my purpose is.

On a given day, I feel like a frazzled mess. It is hard for me to leave my house. I have severe anxiety issues, which I am working through. Again, this stems from trauma. Most people do not understand that. People are quick to point blame or judgment for me not being who or what people want me to be. Despite my adversity, I like myself. I am proud of the woman I became. You have no idea of my story which can be really deep. I am just grateful I am still alive to finish writing my story. I am a huge advocate of mental health awareness. Admitting one has issues is perfectly fine and should be normalized. I am not ashamed to be enrolled in therapy. Therapy helps me cope and provides me with the necessary tools to heal.

Life is hard. No one is immune to the trials and tribulations of life. Each day. we should do our best to play the hand we were dealt. In the past several years, I have lost so many people, many of which were close to me. I do my best to honor their memory. My phone and cloud storage have thousands of photos, many of which are of people I lost. Some of them I think of often because I miss them. For instance, yesterday my beautiful high school friend would have celebrated her 41st birthday. We attended my first high school together. I was devastated when I learned she passed six weeks after having her daughter. Sadly, she did not live to see her 29th birthday. Last week, we celebrated the anniversary of my uncle’s passing, That was a huge loss for my family. I pray he is at peace. I bet he is preparing to be reunited with my grandmother soon.

Check on your friends, family and some acquaintances. People need the support. It is nice to be thought of at times. I really appreciate those who think enough about me to check on me. Sometimes it takes away feeling alone. Even if you disagree with the choices your friend makes, try to understand their point of view. We are all different. LIfe would be boring if everyone was the same and had the same mindset. Our differences are what make us unique.

I had low self esteem for most of my life. I was bullied and picked on. This does not exclude a lot of the mental abuse I experienced. It took me becoming divorced before I finally began to love myself. That is what finally gave me the courage to leave, It was knowing my worth and that I deserved better. I have learned that no one will ever love you the way you love yourself. Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship. The great RuPaul often said, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” I know I am a flawed, broken woman. I am slowly rebuilding myself. While I am not everyone’s cup of tea and people are steadily trying to change me, I like me. It is most important how I feel about myself.

The point of this post was to acknowledge everyone’s perception of you is different. Please yourself. Focus on your health in all facets. Take care of you. Heal and thrive. Break generational curses. Do great things, Appreciate the great people in your circle. Cut off anyone who means you no good. Use discernment to understand who is who. Continue to elevate yourself. Continue to spread love and kindness. Be patient with people. Less judgment and more support.

Peace and blessings! ❤ Rayne Elise ❤