Greetings Everyone,

I hope you are all well today. Today’s topic is perspective. One of the main things that I am learning is that life is all about perspective. I can honestly say that I am trying hard to change some of the negative mindset that I have when it comes to various aspects of life. I am trying to see the cup as half full instead of empty. I am grateful for those people who remind me often that I need to change my perspective. Each day is a new beginning and life is what you make it. Basically, what we think manifests.

You might be wondering why this is important. This is important because our thoughts tend to dictate our reality. When we think positive, we tend to have a more positive outcome. On the contrary, when we think negatively, negativity prevails. Perspective is being able to think that even though things are challenging, for instance, they could always be worse. Additionally, perspective can be how great each moment can be.

I challenge each and everyone of you to change your perspective to be as positive as possible. This perspective will foster the best outcome, no matter the situation. This perspective will ensure that your mentality will be prepared for anything and that you will always be at peace no matter what happens. Peace and blessings everyone. ~ Rayne Elise.

Greetings Everyone,

I hope you are all well this week. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Though life can be challenging, there is always something to be thankful for. Everyday a person wakes up should be enough reason to rejoice as there is someone else who did not. This is the basis of today’s post.

After running into my ex-husband over the summer, he and I continue to talk sporadically through our employer’s messaging system. He has called me a few times because I asked him to, but only from his office’s phone. Despite the pain I continue to feel because of our situation, I am still nice to him and we are civil at the moment. No, I do not have romantic feelings for him or want him back. In my mind, he will always have a special place in my heart. He will always be family to me. At most, we would be friends. It seems unlikely we will get to that point, however I won’t change my interactions with him based on the opinions of so many. With that being said, we had a chance meeting at the office within the last couple of weeks since I had a meeting at that particular office. I saw him as I was leaving. I called his name and waved to him. When I arrived back to my office, I messaged him. I asked if I interrupted him. He told me I didn’t interrupt him. He told me that he wanted to tell me that his grandmother passed away.

At one point in time, his grandmother and I were very close. In fact, he and I were not even together for 10 minutes when I met her. She embraced me from day one. If you ever seen anything involving Tyler Perry’s character, Madea, his grandmother embodied that persona. She is the complete opposite of my grandmother in that aspect. She always told me that I could stay in touch with her in the event he and I broke up. Unfortunately, I did not reach out to her within the last few years based on everything that he and I were going through. Plus with him being remarried, I did not want to cause a problem. I was extremely heartbroken by the news. I still am. Death is a hard subject for me. The irony is that I had been thinking about her a lot in recent weeks. I regret not reaching out more. Unfortunately, so much life happened. It is no excuse and something I will likely internalize for a while. I do not know any details regarding her passing. I offered my support to both him, his aunt and various other relatives. It is funny that death tends to bring people together.

I am grateful my ex-husband and I are at the point where we are civil. It took a lot of healing, a lot of which I still have to do. Life happens after divorce. You will overcome. The key thing is for you to heal. Take time for yourself and focus on you before you immerse yourself into another relationship. I am still working on me, and it did a lot of good for me. Divorce taught me so many lessons that I will never forget. In many ways, it made me stronger. It does not hurt any less.

I did everything I was told that I would never do after my divorce. I graduated from grad school with honors in 2018. I obtained my driver’s license in 2018. I also purchased a car in 2019. I currently have a friend who treats me like gold. He tells me often that I experienced everything I did with my ex-husband so that I could find a man who truly loved me. I believe there is some truth in that. I always preach how everything happens for a reason and we all cross paths for a reason. I am grateful for all experiences either way, as I gain a lot from them. You will survive after your divorce. Don’t let it defeat or consume you. Rebound and find strength within yourself. Peace and Blessings. Rayne Elise.

Greetings everyone,

I hope you are all well today. I wanted to talk about rebounding and life going on after one faces adversity. I am very vocal about some of the adversity, tragedies and triumphs I have faced in my life. We are not immune to the trials and tribulations of life. Life does not come with a manual on how one would navigate through the process. At the same time, life goes on. You will overcome your adversity. I am living proof of this.

One thing that I have discussed in prior posts is my divorce. It has been two years ago since it happened. The aftermath of my divorce is still a huge source of pain for me. People do not get married with the thought that it might not last. I really loved my ex-husband. I put my all into that relationship. At the same time, there are many things I realize now that we both could have done differently. However, things happen when two essentially broken people come together. I am proud to say I ran into him several months ago at an office I worked at previously. Being able to forgive both him and myself was one of the most freeing experiences of my life. In fact, we are civil at the moment. We talk from time to time through the employer’s messaging system. Before you ask, no there is not a chance of reconciliation. He is currently married and I am in what seems like the beginning stages of a relationship. I am thankful for our time – the good and bad, as it served as one of the biggest life lessons which shaped me into the woman that I have become. I am grateful that he and I made it to this point. I will always have some love for him. To me, he will always be family. No I am not in love where I harbor romantic feelings for him. That ship has sailed, sunk and burned between us. I say all of this to say that I stayed with him years long than I wanted to for various reasons.

One reason is because I really loved him and I fought to make my marriage work as a result. I tried to argue as little as possible. No I am no blaming him for everything. I do accept my role in our demise. Second, his grandmother did not want me to leave him because she assumed he would commit suicide without me. I did not want to be accused of being the reason if he did in fact commit suicide. She and I were close at one point in time. Sadly, she passed away recently. Yes, I did attend her wake. I ran into various family members of his including his current wife. Unfortunately, I was unable to attend her funeral because it conflicted with a work appointment. She will be deeply missed. This post is dedicated to her memory. A third reason I stayed is because I thought I would change him. In retrospect, that is never a good reason to stay with anyone. A person will only change when they want to, if they are ready. They will also only change for the person they want to change for. In talking to my ex-husband now, he is at least cooking. He did not when we were together. A fourth reason I stayed was because so many people around me were divorced. I wanted to beat the odds. Fifth, I hoped things would improve between us, but they continued to worsen. Our arguments became more extreme and my health really started deteriorating around that time. Sixth, my parents divorced when I was young. I remembered the pain I felt then in the process. I did not want to experience the same pain for my marriage. However it became to the point where he and I were no longer able to prolong the inevitable. Seventh and most important – I did not think that I would overcome or rebound from divorce. I watched how many of the people who were close to me were affected by their respective divorces. I am a person who does not adapt well to changes. The separation was an adjustment… a difficult one on one hand; but a weight lifted on the other hand. The eighth and final reason why I stayed with my ex-husband as long as I did was because I am a Christian. I was taught God frowns upon divorce. I really wanted to stay married because I never thought I would get married to begin with. I admire couples who are able to stay married for 10 years or more.

Divorce is hard on anyone. Mine took a huge physical, mental and emotional toll on me. I was already suffering with clinical depression stemming from the age of 5. Everyone rebounds differently. I had a small circle of friends who were there for me around that one. My best friend went out of his way to be there for me. I will always be indebted to him for the love and support he gave me in general, but especially during that time. I started therapy around that time. No, I am not ashamed. I strongly urge discussions about mental health awareness – especially within the African-American community. Therapy helped. Unfortunately, most of my therapy discussions were about my work situation as opposed to my marriage and divorce. I will speak about working in a moment. Writing has always been very therapeutic for me. Most teachers have told me that I am one of the best writers they have ever seen. It is important to have an outlet in life. Writing has been mine for as long as I can remember. I am a person who is very vocal about my experiences. This too has helped me immensely. Everyone needs to find something that works for them. This will ensure everyone will be able to overcome adversity and move on.

Now I will discuss working. I have worked and volunteered since the age of 13 in some capacity. I am a millennial (35 years old at the moment to be exact). I have worked in so many industries. These include, but are not limited to education and child care; non-profit; government; retail and sales and office/administrative roles. I am usually among the youngest. I work really hard. I learn quickly; however the learning curve can be challenging. I am the epitome of a team player. I will work in a number of roles and capacities to ensure the job is done. When I were younger, I would quit a job within a few months. I also worked at a lot of temporary positioned (summer) jobs. My longest job is my current one. I have been with the company for 9 years and 10 months. I have worked in several offices and in various roles in this agency. I have had varied experiences. I did recently accept a promotion at the headquarter office. I adjusted well; however everything has its good and bad qualities. My previous office was very toxic. I suffered immensely in this particular jurisdiction. I left my first office January 2018 to accept a promotion in another jurisdiction. I was overlooked for a lot of positions at my first office in the original jurisdiction, not because I was not qualified, but because of nepotism. I will say there are some unfair hiring practices. I started at the second office as a supervisor. Because of the fact that I was younger than most (second youngest if I remember correctly) and in graduate school (I was matriculating through the Masters of Business Administration program at Walden University), I was not well liked. What I am about to say is going to be controversial. I am a proud and unapologetically black woman. Most of the offices I have worked at within this organization are heavily populated and ran by African-American women. Please understand that I have nothing against anyone. I will work with anyone and I would also do anything for anyone.

Greetings Everyone, I hope you are all well today. I want to take this time to thank you for the support that I have received on this blog so far. As we are coming to a close in 2019, I want to discuss many of the trials, tribulations, triumphs and successes that I had for this year. This year was filled with a lot of highs and lows. Still, I overcame a lot of adversity and I discovered a lot about myself in the process.

I am by no means a perfect person. I am essentially flawed. I am not everyone’s cup of tea, but I fully understand that. Part of my journey for this year was to love and accept myself. In order to do this, I had to examine all of my strengths and weaknesses. I had to learn how to love myself for everything that I am instead of hating myself for everything that I am not. Despite my personality, which many people who know me personally have a problem with, I know in my heart that I have good intentions. I go out of my way to help everyone. No, I do not do anything for praise or accolades. I try hard to be the person that I wish people were. This means I treat everyone good, despite how I am treated. I am working on setting boundaries and limits with people, as this is one of the main processes I am learning in therapy. People tend to take my kindness for weakness. I am not by any means weak, as I have endured a lot in my life. Still, I try to demonstrate and promote kindness as I believe God wanted us as people to. I take a lot more negative behaviors from people than I should, much to a fault, however I am proud to say that I have come a long way.

One example of the kindness that I continue to show someone who wronged me is my ex-husband. We inadvertently reconnected in 2019. At the moment, he and I are still civil. After separating three years ago in 2016 and ultimately divorcing late 2017, I can say that we came a long way. While the pain from my marriage still hurts me, I am proud I am able to still talk to him, as a friend at most. Don’t worry, there is no chance for a romantic reconciliation. He is remarried and I am interested in someone else. Still, growth is powerful and he and I both had a lot of growing to do. In fact, we spent yesterday talking through our employer’s messaging system about pets and my nieces. Yes I am still healing from the pain. However, most of the growth that I have experienced this year came from not only forgiving him, but myself too. See, we started out young. We were married before we turned 30 years old and this was after dating since our late teens and early 20’s. Most of the life lessons that I have learned have come from my marriage and the aftermath. Two months ago, I attended the wake for his late grandmother. She and I were really close at one point in time. I feel bad that I didn’t reach out to her as much in the last several years, but she will be deeply missed. I have always said that she was the original “Madea.”

Many people tend to have an opinion about my interactions with my ex-husband. My therapist even told me that my behavior dictates I want to reignite a relationship. That scenario could not be any further from the truth. In a way, I am thankful for the experience because I gained so much insight into where I went wrong as well as how I can become a better person in the process. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. My divorce was the catalyst to me loving myself and taking a hard look at me. I still have more self work to do, but many have noticed the growth in me. To my ex-husband, I will always thank you and cherish the good times we shared. You will always have a special place in my heart. In my mind, you will always be family since I spent 13 years of my life with you. You will never understand how much everything impacted me.

I also tend to use my experiences and stories as a cautionary tale for many people who are struggling in relationships. I do not recommend anyone staying in any situation where it is not beneficial to them or their health. I have heard too many horror stories. My relationship wasn’t all bad. We failed because we lacked communication. We were not on the same page. Most importantly, we were not evenly yoked. Based on some of our recent conversations, it appears he is a better husband to his current wife. For instance, he told me he cooked at Thanksgiving. He did not really cook when we were together. It is funny how time and people change. I am not mad about anything. I am happy he was able to move on. I also wish him continued happiness. As for me, I do not know where the future lies in terms of me dating. I have a friend where I would love to have that conversation. However, timing is not good for either of us. I don’t want to potentially ruin the friendship either. That will likely be a later blog topic.

I have thought long and hard about the things I would like to do in the future. I really want to write a book. As you can see, I have a lot to talk about based on my varied experiences. I have had this book title picked out since the age of 10. It is something that I plan to work on soon. Most of my teachers have told me that I was always one of the best writers in their classes. As a result, I should always write if I do nothing else in life. I love writing, as it is one of the most healing mechanisms for me. I am an open book. I also give a lot of advice in the various groups that I am in on Facebook. Most of the advice is about relationships. I am not an expert at all, however I do provide a lot of feedback to the women who are in bad situations. I really want to do motivational speaking, especially to young girls. As an adolescent, I had very low self esteem. I was bullied throughout school. I never fit into the mode for beauty standards. I was always different and I never fit in. Not much has changed as an adult. Still, I want to motivate people to live in their truth and to accept that they are wonderfully made, as God intended for them to be. I believe God does not make any mistakes. We are all unique and different. I love being who I am, despite the many forces that are trying to change me. I have been told that I have a calm and healing spirit. Another friend calls me his ram in the bush. I feel motivational speaking would show people that I have been where they are physically, mentally and emotionally and I overcame adversity. I want to teach people how to do the same. I remember my best friend once asked me to complete a questionnaire for a young girl he was mentoring. The questionnaire was about attitudes for darker skinned African-American females. I fit this category and I spoke honestly about the challenges I personally faced. I am not “black” enough for African-Americans, but “too black” for Caucasians. It took me years to understand I am fine as I am. I see in the media that there are so many unhappy people for various reasons. I want to be that person who inspires others to understand their circumstances and overcome the odds.

Another part of my self revelation for this year has been in viewing employment. I have worked in some capacity since the age of 13 years old. I have not had the best experiences in working. I am usually among the youngest. I tend to work harder than most. Unfortunately, I am not well liked because of my personality. That is okay because I work hard and the only person I really need to please is myself. It took me a long time to learn and understand this as well. I learn fast. Change can be hard. Starting a new position is always challenging for me. I started in my most recent position in September 2019. It is the one position I wanted the most. I like it for the most part, however my supervisor is a perfectionist and she is challenging to deal with. I am trying to learn how to cater to her style and learn all that I can. I am also trying to stay true to myself in the process. My goal is for me and my supervisor to come to a happy medium this upcoming year.

I have decided a while ago that I want to have my own business. One venture would be a Human Resources consulting firm. I am still working out all of the details. Human Resource Management was my concentration in graduate school. I see where a lot of jobs could revamp their standard operating procedures on employee relations and customer satisfaction. There are several influencers who I follow on Linked In. I would love to emulate them in terms of their expertise. Another business venture that I wanted to start was a multifaceted homeless and rehabilitation facility in my hometown of Baltimore, Maryland. I have some ideas that I am still working on. I have encountered a lot of poverty in my line of work. This is a way that I wanted to give back to my community. I have discussed this idea in my various classes in grad school. All of the teachers thought it was an excellent idea. I want to take a grant writing class as well in order to get started.

I have understood that I can be all over the place. I do have a good reason. In 2013, I was diagnosed as having an Attention Deficit Disorder. Organization is not my strength. It has never been, but I am working on it. That is something that I want to combat and control more in 2020. I have found some ways to deal with it, but I have to do more, especially with my current employment. I want to also work more on my mental health state. I have explained previously that I have an anxiety disorder. I suffer from clinical depression. I tend to worry more than most people. Yes, I do address all of these things in therapy.

I have talked about some of the lessons and experiences that I have experienced in 2019. There are other significant events for me in 2019. I purchased my first car. It has been a challenge learning how to drive. I had two accidents within one month of each other. I did not cause the first one. However, I hit a parked car in the second accident. I am thankful to my friend who has been more than patient with me, especially when it comes to my driving. Whether he realizes it or not, he has been my rock. I love him for that. When I made it back to work after the first car accident, I cried as soon as I saw him. He was with me another time when we went out and encountered this crazy woman in a fit of road rage. He had to calm me down. I firmly believe we all cross paths for a reason. I am thankful for him daily.

My friend and I have been through a lot together in 2019. It was a rough year for the both of us. Still, we have been there for each other through a lot. The bond we share is extremely close, as it is one that I have never shared with anyone. He always speaks his mind. He holds no punches and is an alpha male. I am not used to alpha males outside of my father. My friend has shown me a side of men that I am not use to. I never did a lot of dating. In fact, my ex-husband is the only real relationship I have ever had. My friend tells me often why I am friend zoned by other men. He encourages me. He tells me often that he wishes I saw in myself what he sees in me. He makes me think. He explains a lot about his culture. I have also been learning a lot about his culture on my own. I have cooked for him. He loves my cooking. Who knows what 2020 will bring us.

Another major event for me in 2019 was the fact that I legally reverted back to my maiden name. My last name became hyphenated when I had gotten married. I dropped his name the end of 2018, but it went into effect early 2019. It was a process changing all of my documentation. So many of my male friends have voiced their opinions about a woman taking her husband’s last name. This is a conversation I have daily. My friend still has jokes and calls me by my married name. He also makes it a point to tell me that women in his culture do not take their husband’s last names. That repeated conversation always makes me laugh.

2019 for me was about letting go. I wanted to let go of the hurt and pain from my past. I wanted to let go of the self doubt that I had. There were so many times in my life when I felt like I wasn’t good enough, or pretty enough or smart enough. I also thought I wasn’t strong enough to endure the hand that life has dealt me. I proved myself wrong. I overcame a lot of things this year that was meant to destroy me. I also tapped into a level of strength and resilience that I never knew I had. So while this was a rough year, I will say that I accomplished a lot. I grew more this year than I did in any other year. I lost a significant amount of weight. I have more weight to lose, but I am proud of the amount I did lose. I was able to forgive people. That took a lot of courage and resilience. I found my voice, as I am learning how to articulate my feelings and stand up for myself. For instance, after Christmas, I had to contact the Giant Food Corporate Office due to a horrible encounter with a cashier. I had to file a complaint because of the level of disrespect and rudeness. Usually I would not complain, however it was extreme. Plus I feel like I should be treated better if I am patronizing a store and spending hard earned money.

For most of the year, I juggled working two jobs. I dealt with a lack of sleep and extreme stress. Still I overcame drama at both jobs. I am slowly trying to get out of debt. I have been diligently working on repairing and rebuilding my credit. It has been paying off. Instead of reacting negatively to some of the adversity I faced, I took the high road and did not engage in foolishness. I am able to understand how to better control my anger and emotions. One of the biggest things I plan to work on in 2020 is to learn how to not internalize everything and take things so personally. I am trying to not dwell on things as much. It is a work in progress.

I want each and everyone of you to look at your 2019 and do a self revelation about the challenges you have faced as well as the triumphs you have received. Yes this year was hard for so many people. I talk to people daily. I want you all to look positively to 2020. Claim all of the great things you want to receive. We made it. To all of those we have lost in 2019, you will be missed. May they continue to rest in peace. Celebrate life. Grow. Spread love and positivity. Most importantly, continue to thrive and persevere. Thank you all again for a great 2019. Peace and blessings, Rayne Elise.

Greetings Everyone, I hope you are all well today. Today’s post is a tribute to friendship. Friendship is very important in my opinion because these group of people can be an extension of your family. As I have stated before, I have never had a lot of friends. I am different and I rarely fit in. That has never changed throughout my life. Many people have come and gone from my life – especially friends. However, there has been a handful that has been consistent. This post is an ode to my friends. I will not call anyone by name, but they will all know who they are. You all mean so much to me in ways you will never know. This is not to slight other friends. This is a tribute to my closest people.

My best friend and I have been friends since our high school days. We were friends since my sophomore and his freshman year at high school. I went to one high school for ninth grade. Then I transferred to my dream high school for tenth through twelfth grade. We were in the same US History class together. I was the only sophomore in an all freshman class since the sophomore history class (American Government if I am remembering correctly). This was in the fall of 1999. I do not remember how he and I became friends. All I remember is that 20 years later, 99% of my high school memories involve him in some way. We did some of the same extra curricular activities – Speech and Debate and the school paper for one year. We traveled to many tournaments together where he was my pillow. This friend was the closest thing to a boyfriend I really had during those years. Whenever I was sad, he would go out of his way to comfort me. This lasted through adulthood. We do not always agree on things. In fact, he does not hesitate to voice his disdain regarding a lot of the choices I have made over the years, especially my taste in men. We bump heads a lot. I think part of that is because we are the same zodiac sign. He has been there for me through the best of times and worst times in my life. We have seen each other through a lot in 20 years. Not a day goes by when I don’t reflect on how grateful I am for his friendship. He can be a little mean spirited at times. I do not believe his intent is to be malicious. However he can be hurtful and we go at it. There were always times over the years when I wished he and I were more than friends. However, I am thankful and glad we are as we are. In all honesty, I think we would drive each other crazy if we really were in a relationship. I am sure we would. He has been one of the biggest blessings in my life and I would not want to ruin it.

Another friend I have is like a big sister to me. She is slightly older, but I love her to pieces. She and I use to work together. She has been there through a lot too. She also knows about my current love interest. She laughs at some of my stories. She also voices her opinion when things do not work out as they should with us. I had worked at the previous job longer, so in a sense I trained her. We got a long great off the back. I think she could kind of sense where things were heading with my love interest before we really became close. She offers advice. She is what I aspire to be should I make it to her age. She really enjoys her life and her family.

The next friend I have is someone else I use to work with years earlier. In fact, she and I are so similar that people use to confuse us often. We are both short and around the same height and build. We are both detailed workers. I was often called by her last name and she was often called by mine. We are both sensitive, mild-mannered and emotional people. I try to give her advice because I have experienced more than she has in terms of relationships and life. I check on her a lot. She is one reason I decided to do this blog, based on the advice I give. She has experienced some hardships over the years. We use each other as an anchor towards healing. We are both learning how to navigate through this time we call life.

Then there is my current love interest. I knew him for at least three years indirectly. We used to communicate via email when it came to mutual clients. Me him and one of the friends I described earlier had to handle a case together. The first time I met him in person, I was easily smitten. I do not know why to this day. I think he felt the same way. I remember him giving his phone number out aloud the first time we all met up to handle this client’s case. I did not write it down. Usually I don’t, being the reserved and shy person that I am. However we had to reconvene at a later date. The second time, I did write down his number. My friend and I were trying to figure out how I was going to get back to my office after the hearing. I was not driving at the time. She took me back the first time, but time did not allow her to take me back the second time. At that time, my elderly father was driving me around. He overheard our conversation. He offered to take me, as long as my husband didn’t mind. I was good and divorced at that point. I told him that right a way. My friend gave me the approval nod and smile like she knew instantly the connection. I believe heavily in fate. I also believe that everything happens for a reason. We all cross paths for a reason. He took me back to work. He told me about his toddler. I told him I babysit children. If you know me personally, you would know that I love being around children. Children are my happy zone. We talked about other things. When we made it to my office, he held my hand as I got out of his car. He prayed with me. He also walked me inside and voiced so many wonderful words about me. I was truly touched. My superiors smiled in his face. What I did not know at that time was that I was being reassigned to work under him. I texted him and told him who I was. I thanked him. The very next day, I found out about the reassignment. I wasn’t happy about the circumstances. However, I was happy that he and I would be working together. The longer we worked together, the more people assumed we were together. We never crossed that line at the time because of our working relationship. However, we were really close. We shared food. He made me coffee frequently. He drove me home on multiple occasions. He was going to give me his car around the time I obtained my driver’s license. I did eventually purchase my own car. When I was away from work due to unforeseen circumstances, he was not the same. I later found out that he used to brag about me before I went to the same unit he was in. I was extremely flattered. We would make plans to hang out a lot. However, due to various circumstances, things fell through often. I eventually left that office and accepted a promotion. Things have really changed between us since then. Most recently, he went out of his way to celebrate my birthday. We talk nearly every day about various things. We always have fun together when we do hang out. Everything increased since we are no longer working together. He knows I am still working through the pain of my divorce. I know he is still dealing with his grief. He is still one of my best friends. He has fought for me in a way most people have not. I will always love and appreciate him for that. I tell him that often. I do not know what will happen between us in the future. I am thankful for him daily.

As you see, I have described some of my closest friends. These are people who have been there for tears. They have helped me through pain and celebrated in my joy. These are people who helped me grow into the woman that I have become. I have gained so much from all of my friends. Friendship is not always about who you have known the longest. Friendship is about who has your back when you need it most. These are the handful of people who will at least listen when I am going through some things. These are the main people who uplift me in a world that tries to tear me down. These people have embraced me completely – flaws and all. They still love me. When I am wrong, they tell me. This is what friendship is all about. Friendship should be about quality instead of quantity. If your friends do not uplift you, and be there for you in all stages, they are not your friends. Make sure you keep your circle tight. Attract and maintain friends instead of frenemies. I love all of my friends.

Thank you all for tuning into my post. I hope you gained something from it. Stay blessed. ~ Rayne Elise.

Good evening everyone. I hope you are all well today. For this post, I want to share a little of my story and where I am today. I have mentioned a few things here and there. However, I want to provide you with a more personalized scenario of a day in my life and a walk in my shoes. In my 34 years of life, I have experienced a lot. I am the oldest child for  both of my parents. I have a total of three younger siblings. I would say that I have always been more mature than most and very different. I am different in all aspects – personality wise (primarily quiet,  introverted and reserved). I am one of the nicest people you will ever meet. I am too nice, resulting in people taking advantage of me. Yes I understand that people only do what you allow. I believe heavily in treating everyone the way I would like to be treated, even though it is not reciprocated. I try too hard. I do acknowledge that about myself. I will provide contextual examples. I go out of my way to reach out to people to check on them and make sure they are okay. It is rare anyone other than my mother calls me to check on me. It really hurts me a lot. I am not as vocal with people as I could be. I do not set boundaries like I should. Hence some of the problems in my marriage. Communication and honesty is essential in every interaction. 

In terms of appearances, I am short (approximately five feet, one inch tall, I am a big, beautiful woman (BBW) weighing in around 254 pounds. I have been trying hard to lose weight. It fluctuates a lot. I really want to lose weight for health reasons. I also really want to have a baby naturally within the next three years. There is no dream that I wanted more than motherhood. I had miscarriages in the past, which affected me. In retrospect, it was for the best because of the circumstances at the time. My Christian faith does not allow me to question some things.

I am an unapologetic African-American female. I wear my hair naturally curly. I rarely wear make up. I have my own unique style of dress. When it is warm, I love to wear dresses. When it is cold, I wear tons of layers. I am always cold. It is so bad that if I am hot, it is extremely hot. I sleep with a blanket year round.  I am learning how to love myself and be comfortable in my own skin. Unfortunately, African-American people I know don’t consider me black enough. This is because of how I talk. I did not do many of the things my counterparts did. I never fit in anywhere. I never had a lot of friends. I do not have a lot of the stereotypical characteristics that many African-American women are slated to have. I think I am misunderstood  by many people as a result. People usually remember me for whatever reason. I have distinctive features.I have darker skin. I have a physical attribute which makes me stand out. I also wear glasses. I always look the same – just aged.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Life’s journey is to find your purpose and to understand why everything happened. Remember from a previous post that I mentioned my marriage. That was not a good situation, and it would not have been ideal to bring a child into the world at that time. I am trying hard to align myself so that if the opportunity presents itself, I will be better prepared to raise a child. It is likely that I will adopt a child at 40. I have some known infertility issues. That has been hard to deal with. I am grateful for the advances in technology. As a result, it is likely my dream will be fulfilled.

I am the hugest lover of music. I love all kinds and my diverse massive playlist has something that everyone can enjoy. I am more mild mannered  and easy going though most. Many people would say that I am passive. There are various reasons why my personality is the way it is. I suffered  from a lot of mental abuse and bullying my whole life. I am not saying that I do not defend myself. That is not the case. It just takes me longer and I view the world differently. 

I am sharing my experiences because I feel it is needed. I also want to provide people with a better understanding of me as a person, a woman and an individual. Everyone has an opinion about how I live my life, however people are not always understanding of the circumstances that shapes people. Hence, mental health is important to me. I think more research and testing needs to be done.  Mental health and depression is a topic that is not discussed as well as it could be. I am personally a very transparent and open person. 

Hello everyone, I hope you are all well today. I am a firm advocate in mental health awareness. As a result, I want to share my journey of living with high functioning anxiety and depression.

For as long as I can remember, I have had bouts of depression and anxiety. I tend to worry more than most people. I am a believer of God (Christian) and I was raised that I should not worry and I need to put all of my faith in Him. Still, I struggle with this aspect. I am a constant work in progress and I am in therapy at this time to address my depression and anxiety. No, I am not ashamed. I am very open about my experiences.

My earliest recollection of depression and anxiety dates back to kindergarten back in 1989-1990. I was bullied almost the entire time I was in school. My parents had a tumultuous relationship. I was always overweight and darker than most of the other children. The fact that I was quiet and more reserved than most did not help. I did not fight back. Many people saw me as an easy target.

I suffered a lot of verbal abuse. I was often told in elementary school that I had the lowest self esteem that most people had seen. I did not feel the love that I desperately needed to feel growing up. That trickled to some of the mental health issues that I have now as an adult. The longer I am in therapy, the more I am beginning to get to the root of my issues. I have lost a lot of relationships over the years as a result. For those who have stood by me through a lot, I will always appreciate you. You have no idea of the impact that had on me. I have one friend in particular who, for over 20 years, through the good and bad, he has been there. It means a lot. You know who you are.

I have severe crowd anxiety. I don’t know where it originated from. I have asked my parents that question many times in my life, and both has eluded to something that happened to me in my childhood. Unfortunately, I have no recollection. In all honesty, if I did not have to work, I would probably never leave the house. This is especially because I can order everything online. I still work all day. I still go out and function. However, some days are better than others. There was a day recently where so much happened that I called my mother and cried during my whole lunch break at work.

No, I am not on medication for my anxiety and depression. It is well controlled for the most part. However, I fear it is coming soon. My therapist and I have not had that discussion yet, but based on the extent of the situation, I believe we will. I am not a firm believer that I need to be medicated. I have learned to combat some of my problems with my extensive and massive music collection. Music keeps me calm and focused. I also have an attention deficit disorder.

I have been robbed. I have panic attacks. I experienced so much adversity at my job. I have never properly learned how to deal with my anxiety and depression. I spoke in other posts about my bouts of depression in terms of my childhood. Adulthood has been extremely hard for me. Not being a mother depresses me at times. However, I feel it is for the best. I am not as stable as I could be.

I started driving nearly one year ago. That is the cause of a lot of my anxiety. Recently while out with a friend, I encountered the worst road rage incident. A woman wanted me to get out of my car to fight me. I did nothing wrong. I do not know what set her off. I also had two car accidents. I worry about bills and not having enough food. I like to be overly prepared. I try to check on people so much that I am told I smother them. I care too much about things that do not concern me, which is another reason my anxiety levels are so bad. I am an empath. Doing the type of work I do, I hear a lot of stories. I feel so deeply about everything. I am very much affected and often triggered by a lot. I do not eat nor sleep like I should. I have been through a lot in my life. I am still going through a lot. I am learning how to better manage everything.

Greetings Everyone,

I hope you are all well today. I have been away for a while. It is my goal and plan to make more entries. One of the topics that I want to talk about today is forgiveness. As I have mentioned in some of my prior posts, I have experienced a lot of things in my life. At the present moment, I am one week away from celebrating another birthday. As a result, I feel it is best for me to reflect and ponder various elements of my life.

I express a lot of gratitude for every person in my life in all capacities. I have encountered so many people who have taught me so many things about life. At the same time, many people have wronged me. I am a kind hearted person. A lot of people tends to take my kindness for weakness. I harbor no ill feelings towards anyone. I have also mentioned in previous posts that I have been married before. Essentially, my marriage was rocky. However it taught me the most life lessons, with the biggest one being forgiveness.

I met my ex-husband in high school. We met at summer debate camp in Atlanta, GA back in 2000. We had to face each other in a debate round. He was partnered with my best friend at the time. We will say it was an interesting experience. I was 15 almost 16 years old that summer. It is one of the things that I will never forget. In the following years I competed in speech and debate, I was always nice to my ex-husband for whatever reason. I believe heavily that we all cross paths for a reason. I also believe in fate as well as the fact that everything happens for a reason. Fast forward to my college years in the fall of 2003. I had transferred colleges after an unsuccessful first year. I ran into him. We talked about a lot of things. We also had a lot of classes in the same buildings based on our majors at the time (I started off in Computer Science. Years later, I ended up in Social Work. That will be a later blog topic).

Eventually, he began walking me to class. After a while, we made plans to go on our first date, which was months later. Out first eventual date was to a baseball game on June 13, 2004 between the home team and the San Francisco Giants. Our second date was to the movies to see Spider Man 2. I was sick as a dog, having recently left the hospital days earlier. Out third date was the day we finally became a couple, July 15, 2004. I was 19 at this point nearing my 20th birthday. For the first two years we were together, we were very close. We spent a lot of time together. He was my first real relationship; my first love; my first everything. In 2006, I started working steadily. As a result, we could not spend as much time together. At the same time, we were both still in college. Around this time, I changed my major to Social Work. It took me 7 years overall to graduate with my bachelors degree. Again, this will be discussed further later. He too had his scholastically struggles in school. As a result of these factors, along with personal problems, our relationship began to suffer.

Now that I am older and thinking back, I think of the various reasons why our relationship failed. We started off really young. Neither of us had found ourselves. He and I were very co-dependent on one another. I mean that we did not pursue separate efforts outside of each other. I am the type of person who likes to keep the peace. I internalized a lot of things, which I mostly kept to myself. I graduated from college May 16, 2009 with my bachelors degree in Social Work. This was another blow our relationship suffered, as he eventually quit college altogether. I struggled throughout college, as there were times when I had to work two and three jobs in addition to school. Again, my home life was not really ideal. It was somewhat dysfunctional. He and I lacked communication and accountability into the roles we both played in the demise of our relationship. Our relationship had lots of arguments and insecurities. He always assumed I would leave him for my best friend (my male best friend always made the choice to friend zone me). I was the type that was more of a go-getter and over achiever. My ex-husband was more or less complacent and nonchalant. Our personalities differed significantly. As we aged, we found that we had very little in common.

Despite all of these factors, he and I  made the choice to move in together. I started working at my current full time job February 10, 2010. He and I moved in together circa January 28, 2011. Living together was rough as he was no real help with bills, cleaning or anything else in the apartment for that matter. Every bill in our apartment was in my name, with the exception of cable. He did not even give me  half of the money towards the bills. I paid for almost everything on my own. I grew to resent him for some of the problems that we had in the apartment. The struggle took its toll on me. He and I did not agree on anything.

After we renewed our apartment’s lease April 2012, a woman moved in below us who was extremely problematic. She would bang on our floor (her ceiling) all hours of the day and night. She would call the Courtesy Patrol Office, alleging we were making all types of noise. I was not home that much. In the fall of 2011, I enrolled in graduate school and began my tenure in the Master of Social Work program. I was working a lot; doing internships and suffering health wise due to the stress of everything. It was a major dispute between us and this neighbor. I did not like the way the leasing office or my ex-husband handled the situation. I spent more time at my father’s house than in my own apartment. I also found myself pregnant. I lost the baby early on in a miscarriage due to the stress. I wanted to be a mother more than anything. To this date, that never happened, which saddens me. After suffering the worst migraine I ever had, I made the decision to move. My rationale was simple: I paid all of the money for rent where I struggled to earn it. I did not like the way the situation was handled. I also could no longer guarantee that woman’s safety. We moved out January 26, 2013. We moved in with my father. My ex-husband fought me on the move. I was in therapy at the time. My therapist tried to reason with him, but like so many other aspects of our relationship, it was pointless.

Fast forward to 2015. The problems in my marriage really escalated. He fought me every chance he could. I feel he started cheating around this time. His whole demeanor changed. He was working late, where he was the type who did not want to work to begin with. The women he worked with would call his phone repeatedly. He always mentioned my best friend and his growing paranoia. My friend barely spoke with me because he wanted to respect my ex-husband and keep an argument down. My health was really suffering at this point.

In May 2016, he moved out. To this day, he tells people I forced him out. I did not. He got his apartment on his own. My father and I helped him move. To this day, I have a permanent back injury that I received in the process. We still dealt with each other sexually for a while, even though he was dealing with other women. During the separation, my father and I would take him to Walmart frequently, where other women would call him. He would be evasive on the phone. Yet whenever I called him, he barely took my calls. If he did; he would rush me off of the phone.

September 22, 2017 we mutually filed for divorce. He avoided it and fought me on it. Our hearing was the day before Thanksgiving on November 22, 2017. It was finally on December 8, 2017. He was engaged by January 13, 2018. I blocked all contact with him and his sister on January 19, 2018 at the urging of a doctor who is like a sister friend. I later found out he was married some time in May 2018. After our divorce, a lot of things came out. His aunt had tried to confront me or multiple occasions based on the lies that he told. He became good at it. When I found out about the wedding in June 2018, I emailed him congratulating him. He did not respond. I did not try to reach him again.

Fast forward to the summer of 2018… one of my friends at my full time job in a previous office I worked at began telling me that she saw him. Another friend confirmed he worked there. Ironically, I had a job  interview scheduled in that same office. My friends reluctantly took me by his desk, which I would have past by anyway based on where he sat. When I approached him, his back was to me. I called his name. He turned around. He had that dear in headlights look. He did not know what to say. I asked him how he been. As usual, he was evasive. He asked me about my nieces. I told him their ages and showed him updated pictures of them, as I have thousands of pictures in my phone. I asked him the same question about his nieces and nephew. I do not think he gave me an answer. I hugged him and left. He as well as my friends were shocked.

Even to this day, I still check on him to see if he needs help at the job. People are mad with me. They assume I want him back. I do not. That relationship was the source of a lot of my pain. I am enrolled in therapy again. I am still trying to work through my pain. I had to forgive my ex-husband. He hurt me. I allowed him to hurt me. We are not perfect people. I wish a lot of things were different. I regret how we handled things. I tried hard to be a friend to him after we separated, but he kept doing things to me. Even now, nothing much has changed. That moment I was able to forgive my ex-husband, I felt the most free I have ever felt in my life. Due to the aftermath and pain of that relationship, I am afraid of dating. I mentioned in a different post how there is a wonderful man that I am interested in. I think that other man is as scared as I am. He tells me often how I need a good man, usually a Latino. I tell him often that I am open minded. Forgiving my ex-husband is the first step. I really do wish him well. I wish him all of the happiness and love. I wish him success. I also hope he is a better husband to his new wife than he was to me.

The point that I was trying to make with this topic is the power of forgiveness. Too often, we as people choose not to forgive those who have wronged us. As a result, it sets us back in life.

As I told my ex-husband, I would like for us to become friends again. I will always have some love for him as he was my everything at a point in time. Still forgiving him is the first step for me to healing. When I would drive, I would see him often. I even told him I had no problem driving him where he needed to go if he need me to. I treat everyone the same. I am still forgiving other people as well. Please start forgiving people, as God (if you believe in Him) forgave us. Its something to think about.

Peace and blessings everyone, R

by Rayne Elise

Greetings Everyone,

I hope you are all well. For this entry, I want to speak from my heart. There are so many people who are struggling right now for one reason or another. Just know I am convinced everyone will have better days. Don’t stop striving or believing. Keep the faith. I am a very spiritual person. I identify as a Christian. I was baptized in a Seventh Day Adventist Church in 2017. I am not overly religious, nor have I ever been. In fact, I would like to expand on my faith. I am not here to push religion in one way or another. I just want to express my beliefs and why I feel the way I do.

Faith has gotten me through some of the toughest times in my life. I had a rough childhood. I experienced numerous challenges throughout my academic career. There were many other instances in my life where I faced adversity. I did not know how I would make it at times. I have had clinical, chronic depression since childhood. I have experienced severe bullying in various forms. There were always family problems. As a result, I started feeling suicidal at the age of 9. I attempted suicide twice after 18. I am still here for a reason. I am trying hard to understand my purpose in this life and why I have experienced so much adversity. My favorite quote comes from a children’s movie. The quote, from the movie “Mulan” is, “the flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful flower of all.”

At the present time, I am still in situations where my faith is carrying me through. I work at two stressful jobs – my full time job is a governmental agency and my part time job is a major national (possibly international) retailer. I experience a lot of obstacles at both jobs. My belief in my faith sustains me that there will be better days. Tough times do not last forever. I am convinced of that. I have lived that. We don’t stay down forever. Trust me.

To all of my people out there who are tired and unsure of how they will make it, keep pushing. You will persevere. Based on my Christian faith, I know that God says all you need is faith the size of a mustard seed. That gives me solace and strength. Keep your head up. Stay focused on the larger picture. Look into whatever you believe in (if you believe in a higher being) and keep your faith. I am rooting for you. Stay positive, optimistic and blessed.

Greetings Everyone,

I hope you are all well. I want to discuss something that is affecting me at the moment. That topic is dating after heartbreak. Before I go further, I want to make it clear that it is a personal choice about dating after heartbreak. I am not trying to sway anyone in one direction or another. Every point I make is that people have to do what is best for them. It is also my goal to empower everyone to love themselves enough to make the best possible decision. Yes, this is something that I am learning for myself as well.

As I have stated before, my story gets deep and I have had an array of experiences. Still, my ultimate goal is to heal in order for me to be the best version of me possible. I have made some progress and I have a long way to go. Through all of the ups and downs, my journey is one that I wouldn’t want to change before I have learned so much. My story has helped some people, as I have been told. One of my dreams is to become a motivational speaker because I overcame so much. Be strong in your journey and know that you will continue to thrive and persevere, despite any negative circumstancces. How we choose to deal with everything is up to us. Relationships are a touchy topic for me because I have experienced so much in all relationships, not just romantic. Here is my story and current situation about rebounding after divorce.

I only had one real relationship to date. I had a boyfriend in middle school, which was for one week only. He wanted to have sex and I was not willing to at that age. He and I are still friends to this day. That situation doesn’t count in my opinion. LOL. In terms of true ups and downs, I experienced nearly everything you can think of with my ex-husband. We met during our high school years. We started dating in college. We went through a lot together. He was my first love. Even with everything that he put me through, he will always have a special place in my heart because of the nature of our relationship – at least the early years.

What I realize now is that he and I became co-defendant on one another. Neither one of us had the best self esteem. Neither one of us had a lot of friends. Both of us were introverted. We both had an extended amount of baggage from our upbringings that we never addressed. As a result, our relationship was always plagued with problems. Neither of us felt we were loved by some of our family members growing up. As we became older, our interests changed. Then again, we might have always had separate interests which were masked by our co-dependency. Another thing that I realize now is that due to his narcissism, he took advantage of me being the truest definition of an empath. I am the type of person who would do anything for anyone. In fact, I went out of my way to make our relationship work. Maybe this is why that pain still haunts me almost three years later. No, I do not miss him. He hurt me so badly that I am afraid to date again.

I tried to meet men after him. I did not meet men who were a good fit for me. I had an one night stand with one man. It was going to be the same situation with another man on my 34th birthday. That was a lot of foolishness which was met with a lot of disappointment and sadness. That is another story. All I will say is that both of these situations were lessons learned. In terms of my ex-husband, he was able to move on quickly. He is now remarried. I do wish him nothing but love and happiness. I am not a hateful person. Maybe in the future, he and I can be friends again. I have forgiven him for a lot. I am still forgiving myself for other things. I am not blaming all of our problems on him. I had a hand in our demise as well. I accept full responsibility. I am sorry for the pain that I caused him. No one is perfect. We are all flawed. It is important that we understand our responsibility of our actions.

Before I met my ex-husband, I had a different friend from high school. He was the closest thing I had to a boyfriend then. He is still one of my closest friends 20 years later. I always had feelings for him, but they were never reciprocated. I regretted for years that I never knew how to talk to him. Sometimes I feel like I missed out on a good thing. Yes, I did eventually tell him the truth. While he never fully addressed it, I am at a point where I rather he and I remain friends. He was there through some mod the best and worst times of my life. I would not change our friendship for anything in the world. I do not hesitate to tell him that. He was my rock and comfort in the aftermath of my relationship with my ex-husband. I tell him often not to end up like me, settling out of loneliness. There was a time where I would have given him anything and everything he could have wanted in a relationship. Maybe it is for the best that we never pursued one. At the same time, he was always pretty vocal about his disdain about me dating. I don’t know what the future holds. However, no matter what, he and I will always be friends. One thing that I have come to understand about that process is that my ex-husband was always extremely threatened by that friendship. It was 100% platonic. My friend kept his distance out of respect to my ex-husband. There is always that debate about whether men and women can remain platonic friends without one or both catching feelings. That was the case with us. Whoever my friend ends up with will be lucky. I want him to be happy no matter who he chooses since happiness is a choice. He has his opinions about some of my choices I’ve made in my life. We don’t always agree, however he is honestly my voice of reason. I can go on and on about our friendship, but I won’t. Still, I cannot thank him enough for teaching me the true meaning of friendship.

Fast forward to now in terms of my dating dilemma. There is a part of me that wants to date. I thrive on afffection. I love hugs and kisses. I am a nurturer by nature. I always have been. I gave up on trying to meet men for the moment because I want to focus more on me. There is the adage of being the person who you are trying to attract. This is something that is important to me. Because of my indecision, I think that is the best alternative for me at the moment, outside of the situation that I am about to describe.

I met a man indirectly some years ago. I won’t discuss how I know him. He is one person who goes above and beyond for me in terms of advocating about things that are not right in terms of the way I am treated in certain situations. One example of this is a recent one where he told me that there was an issue with the gear shift in my car. When I went in for the car dealership to review it, they did acknowdge that there was a problem. Additionally, I needed to bring my car back for them to replace the part and do other maintenance. I was always taught to take a man with me whenever I go to a car dealership since I am a woman. At the second appointment, I asked him to accompany me to the dealership. He obliged. I was surprised because whenever we make other plans, they either never happen or they do not happen the way we plan them. Anyway, he met me there shortly after I arrived. He told me he woke up late that day and I was not expecting to see him. I was plannning to wait at the dealership the entire time it was going to take for my car to be repaired. The people at this particiular dealership speaks to me in a manner in which they are talking to me as if I am stupid. I will address this in a later blog. We left the dealership and ran some errands. He told me to call the dealership to check on the status of my car. There was no response. We headed back after a couple of hours and my car still wasn’t ready. He went to the manager and not only voiced his opinion, but he told them that I am his girlfriend and he had to take off work to accompany me. That is partially true. I was amazed and left in a good mood for days. People noticed. LOL.

The manner in which we really became friends is still comical to me. I’ll keep that to myself for now. I’d like to think that he and I are close based on our conversations and interactions. In fact, the people around us assume we are together or that we have at least slept together. What he doesn’t know is that I am open to having a relationship with him. I don’t know how to have that conversation with him. I am not sure how ready I am for that conversation based on our circumstances. I have been thinking about it heavily lately. I really like him as a person. He has a strong personality, which is met with challenges and opposition from a lot of the people that we know. He listens to me to a degree and we talk about a lot of things. The longer I am around him, the more I get to know about him, the more I like him. We had went out last summer one time and it wasn’t a good experience for me, I was disappointed. I enjoy being around him. What scares me most is that his personality is similar to my ex-husband’s. I was initially against it for that very reason. As time goes by and I am better able to understand him, that part doesn’t bother me.

Based on the things he says to me along with some of his actions; it seems his feels the same way I do. Then again, I have never been good at reading between the lines or understanding all verbal and nonverbal cues. I know I do not want to be hurt again. Yes, I understand there is some element of pain in every relationship. However with me personally still working through the extent of my pain, it is a challenge. He and I talk about our past relationships often. He tells me that I need to let that hurt go since it happened and I need to move on. He tells me often how he thinks I would be a great wife and mother. He also voices my opinion about how my ex treated me. He spends a lot of time complementing me. When I address the matter in therapy, my therapist is concerned about me wanting to pursue this relationship out of loneliness. She is afraid that this will turn into a similar situation like it was with my ex-husband. Yes I am a litttle lonely, but not lonely enough to jump into a bad situation.

Healing after heartbreak is a hard process. For me, it has been long. I am a little disappointed that the progress has been so slow. Still any progress is good. I am grateful for the experiences either way. I really want to explore things with my friend. I will talk to him about it at some point. I hope you enjoyed this post. Feel free to chime in. Be blessed, Rayne Elise.