Greetings, everyone! I hope you are all doing well. One topic which comes up a lot for me is dating and whether I would remarry. I have been single for a long time. Someone recently pointed out that I have been single for nearly ten years. I did not realize it had been that long. I tried dating, and I have been met with many challenges. I have nothing but disappointment and horror stories. First, I am super introverted. Meeting new people in any capacity is hard for me. I am a little socially awkward. I also hate small talk. The men I have met have not been of the best caliber. I can tell some stories.
People promise to make plans with me, but nothing materializes from those encounters. For example, many years ago (maybe between 2017 and 2021), I connected with this man on a dating app. I do not remember if it was Bumble or Hinge. We exchanged phone numbers. Every time we made plans, something always came up. Unfortunately, I have a very low tolerance for foolishness. I do not like to waste my time or anyone else’s. Anyway, this man kept my number. He periodically texts me with the same foolishness. I just left it alone. I was never really interested in him anyway.
People find it hard that I am trying so hard to heal. I am a broken person, and I want to resolve some of my unhealed trauma. As you can see from some of my other posts, my life has not been the easiest. There are many things I never dealt with. I am slowly working through everything now, which is why I advocate for healing and therapy. I do not let people get too close to me because I am usually left with disappointments.
I have never really dated to begin with. I am unsure whether I actually been on a real truly established date. I hang out with my platonic male friends from time to time, but I do not think they would consider it dating. Maybe I am wrong. I have done some cool things with friends that I will always cherish. Thinking back, I remember going out with this one guy. We drove around in his car for a couple of hours listening to music. That was fun. Music is everything to me. It saddens me that I am always friend zoned and sistered. However, maybe it is best. I truly believe there is a reason and purpose for everything. I just wish I understood what the reason and purpose was.
My marriage was my only real relationship, and it was not a good one. It was honestly one of the most painful experiences I ever had. It is not that I never gotten over it. I was over it three years before it ended. I guess I am hurt about the effort I made fighting to make something work that should have never been. To put your all into something that failed, it made me think about a lot of things, such as my role in the breakup and what I could have done differently. I guarantee this, it is a pain I never want to endure again. It is not that I never gotten over it. I was mentally checked out three years before we separated. I guess I am struggling with the fact I repressed so many emotions and I am trying to deal with it now. After marriage, I am left with severe trust issues. I know I cannot hold every man responsible for what one did, and I won’t. I just want to find a man who would give me a reason to let my guard down some. Unfortunately, I have yet to meet that person.
I am not opposed to dating. I would just rather my mindset be a little better first. Someone told me if I keep waiting until I am a little further in my healing, it would be too late for me. I am okay with being single. I am at peace with it. Do I become sad at times, absolutely. I wish many things were different. I would like to go on a date. So much so that I am deciding to date myself. I need to have fun. I do not want to wait on anyone else. Happiness comes from within. I have a list of date ideas which I keep. People are so worried about me that they want to set me up with their friends and relatives. I have turned it down, but I have been thinking about it. Maybe I will change my stance on being set up.
Then the subject of me remarrying comes up. I am not against it. I would really have to love someone who reciprocates their love for me. One of my friends who is around my parents’ age told me to make a list of qualities that I want in a spouse. I did. This is in no particular order. I am a very chill person. I am open to my spouse having female friends. Have fun, but communicate about who you are with and what you are doing. Respect me and my feelings, and I will do the same. I work incredibly hard, and I want someone who matches my work ethic. I am family oriented and great with children. I want someone who at least treats their mother well. Spirituality is important to me. I am not overly religious. I was raised Christian. I am not saying he has to be Christian too. I want someone who understands my intentions are good. I want someone who will build me up as I do the same for them. I love cooking. It is actually my biggest talent. I want someone who can love and accept me as I am, flaws and all. I do not mind if he has children. Presently, I do not have children, but I always wanted them. For the age range, I would say someone born between 1976 – 1986. If I am really feeling a person, I am willing to adjust that. Race and ethnicity does not matter to me. I like whoever likes me. Physical attributes do not matter either although I tend to prefer tall. I am a short queen. I rule out nothing.
The biggest thing that I have learned is that whoever and whatever is for me will be for me. There would be no fighting when it is truly mine. I am starting to make peace with a lot of things. There are some things that I am not willing to compromise about. If I had my way, there is a person I know who I would marry without hesitation. We will see what happens.
If you are in the same or a similar situation, it is okay to be single. Build yourself up. Focus on you and developing yourself. Heal. Strive and thrive. Do not let people dictate what you do if you are not ready. People need to understand everyone has their reasons for their actions. Everything happens when it is supposed to. I just want to be in the best place possible if or when I finally receive the love that I deserve and always wanted. I do not know where my story ends, but I am trusting better days are coming.
To my ex-husband despite the pain, I want to thank you for the years we shared. Our relationship and ultimate break-up produced some of the hardest lessons of my life. I thank you for the good times we had. Although it hurts me things did not work out between us, I am grateful for the experience. I truly believe that it is better to love and lost than to have never loved at all. I am grateful for the closure and apology you gave me the last time we spoke. It meant a lot. I hope you and your family are doing well. I wish you nothing but the best. I wish you joy and happiness. I thank you for being a part of my journey, which tapped into a level of strength I did not know I had. You were an integral part of shaping me into the woman I am now.
Peace and blessing everyone. ❤ Rayne Elise ❤
Discovery Journey 