Vulnerability

Greetings everyone, I hope you are all doing well. First and foremost, my thoughts and prayers are with everyone as we are facing some unprecedented times. I hope you know you are loved. If no one else tells you they love you, I love you. I am thankful for the support for you all have shown me so far. You have no idea how much it means to me. So far, 2025 has been a rough year. Everyone is battling something that they may not speak about. I wish the best for everyone. I urge everyone to display kindness, empathy, and patience as much as possible. Any little thing can set someone over the edge.

I am about to be vulnerable to a few minutes. This year, my mental, physical, and emotional health has suffered. My year began with me being told I needed to have surgeries – dental and breast. Due to overwhelming stress, my therapist completed the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) paperwork requesting a two-month leave of absence. His hope was that I would heal and regroup after surgery. Sadly that time came and went very fast. I did not accomplish as much as I hoped I would. The return to work was even more challenging.

There is good and bad in every element of life. Work is no different. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my job. Work is a huge source of my stress. I do the best I can to manage my emotions when it comes to work. I work with many people who are higher positions who lack the fundamentals of leadership. This results in myself and others having to compensate for their shortcomings. It becomes frustrating on a daily basis. I know I should not let things affect me like they do. I am working to change that. Things tend to affect me deeply.

I feel very misunderstood and unheard. I am grateful for my core work group, family members, and friends. They listen to me to a a degree. Many of them give me their unsolicited opinions and criticisms of how I handle things. One thing I hear often is that I do not handle constructive feedback well. While that may be the case, sometimes I just need for people to listen. If I want opinions, I would ask. Oftentimes, the unsolicited opinions make matters worse. There are times when things should not be said. More times than not, I wish people kept their opinions to themselves.

I rarely express myself based on the feedback I receive. Expression often feels pointless. My therapist says I have difficulty expressing my needs and articulating my feelings. This is a defense mechanism or trauma response stemming from my childhood. I have always been different. I never understood why I was different. I never fit in anywhere. I do not gravitate towards people well since I am super introverted. People have asked me if I were autistic or have Asperger’s syndrome. To my knowledge, I only have an attention deficit disorder without hyperactivity. I am probably neurodivergent in other ways which are worth exploring.

Speaking for myself, when I share my feelings, it is for people to listen and understand me. Everything does not require a response. I understand there are people who want to be seen as helpful. That is good and fine. I request that you know your person well enough to understand when to proceed with commentary. It is okay to disagree. Never tear anyone down.

I am learning that I am overstimulated. Recently, I enrolled into an online program for a second master’s degree in Project Management. Do not worry, I am only taking one course at a time. So far, it is going well. I have an A in this initial course. However, it has been challenging fully engaging in this course with competing priorities.

Always having been a caregiver to others, I suck at self-care. Everything is correlated. I believe everything happens for a reason. We all cross paths for a reason. I wish I understood what the purpose was for the course of my life. I am trying ti find myself and heal so that I can gravitate towards whatever my purpose is.

On a given day, I feel like a frazzled mess. It is hard for me to leave my house. I have severe anxiety issues, which I am working through. Again, this stems from trauma. Most people do not understand that. People are quick to point blame or judgment for me not being who or what people want me to be. Despite my adversity, I like myself. I am proud of the woman I became. You have no idea of my story which can be really deep. I am just grateful I am still alive to finish writing my story. I am a huge advocate of mental health awareness. Admitting one has issues is perfectly fine and should be normalized. I am not ashamed to be enrolled in therapy. Therapy helps me cope and provides me with the necessary tools to heal.

Life is hard. No one is immune to the trials and tribulations of life. Each day. we should do our best to play the hand we were dealt. In the past several years, I have lost so many people, many of which were close to me. I do my best to honor their memory. My phone and cloud storage have thousands of photos, many of which are of people I lost. Some of them I think of often because I miss them. For instance, yesterday my beautiful high school friend would have celebrated her 41st birthday. We attended my first high school together. I was devastated when I learned she passed six weeks after having her daughter. Sadly, she did not live to see her 29th birthday. Last week, we celebrated the anniversary of my uncle’s passing, That was a huge loss for my family. I pray he is at peace. I bet he is preparing to be reunited with my grandmother soon.

Check on your friends, family and some acquaintances. People need the support. It is nice to be thought of at times. I really appreciate those who think enough about me to check on me. Sometimes it takes away feeling alone. Even if you disagree with the choices your friend makes, try to understand their point of view. We are all different. LIfe would be boring if everyone was the same and had the same mindset. Our differences are what make us unique.

I had low self esteem for most of my life. I was bullied and picked on. This does not exclude a lot of the mental abuse I experienced. It took me becoming divorced before I finally began to love myself. That is what finally gave me the courage to leave, It was knowing my worth and that I deserved better. I have learned that no one will ever love you the way you love yourself. Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship. The great RuPaul often said, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” I know I am a flawed, broken woman. I am slowly rebuilding myself. While I am not everyone’s cup of tea and people are steadily trying to change me, I like me. It is most important how I feel about myself.

The point of this post was to acknowledge everyone’s perception of you is different. Please yourself. Focus on your health in all facets. Take care of you. Heal and thrive. Break generational curses. Do great things, Appreciate the great people in your circle. Cut off anyone who means you no good. Use discernment to understand who is who. Continue to elevate yourself. Continue to spread love and kindness. Be patient with people. Less judgment and more support.

Peace and blessings! ❤ Rayne Elise ❤