Greetings everyone,
I hope your 2024 is going well. As for me, 2024 has been a rollercoaster. Up to this point, there has been some high points and low points. As a trained Social Worker, I believe in the strengths based perspective. It is important to try to have a positive mindset. I know this is easier said than done. It is something I have to remind myself daily. No matter how bad your days are, any day above ground is a good day.
Back to the 2024 year-to-date story. Highs: my eldest niece is graduating from high school in a few weeks. I am very proud and excited for her. This has been a journey. Last month, I even escorted her to a college event. We spent that weekend together. My niece is honestly one of my favorite people. She was born as soon as I became an adult. No matter what happens in life, she will always be my first born. We are extremely close. We talk often about life and the pursuit of happiness. I am a mother figure for her.
Despite all of my trials and tribulations, I try to be for her what I wish I had. In a way, she also fills the void I carry of not having any children yet. Due to my circumstances, it is unlikely I will ever have biological children. I love children, and I am a nurturer by nature. My sister is not as hands on with her children as I am. In a way, it drives my niece crazy, but she is grateful for it at the same time. So I guess it balances out. Her personality type is a lot like mine, which is opposite of her parents. Like me, she is very introverted. I want to be there for her as support while she navigates life as a young adult. My baby isn’t a baby anymore.
Watching my niece grow up is one of the biggest highlights in my life. I have so many wonderful stories which I can share about her. Here is one…. Did I mention how my niece is the reason I have a 90-hour Head Start Certificate. One day I had to volunteer at her Head Start program since my sister was unable to. They needed parent volunteers, and I was off my job that particular day. My niece was not thrilled about me being there. She refused to sit with me. Nor did she want to play with me. One of her classmates grabbed my hand and walked to a different table for me and her to play. My niece saw this and became mad. If looks could kill. LOL. I asked my niece why she reacted like that. Of course she did not really have an answer. My niece makes me laugh in a way most people can’t. Laughter is good for the soul. You have to laugh to keep from crying.
This brings me to other high points so far this year. I have learned to articulate my feelings and needs more than I ever have before. As I mentioned before, I have endured so much in my life. I never really felt heard. People tend to lean on me so much, but I really don’t have anyone to lean on. Yes I am in therapy, but when are hard days like this between sessions, I bottle my emotions inside. My father listens and cares, but to a degree. I don’t like to feel like I am whining and complaining. Nor do I want to be a burden to anyone or bring anyone down. With that being said, I am expressing myself more, which is a significant improvement for me. One of the mistakes I made in life was repressing my feelings, and then exploding when everything builds up. Any sign of improvement and growth is a great thing. More growth is needed.
Other highs – an increase in driving. I have only been a licensed driver for six years. Learning how to drive was a challenge. I have an anxiety disorder, and unfortunately driving is a trigger for me. I find it to be stressful. especially where live. My state notoriously makes the lists for bad drivers. I promise you I am not a bad driver. In recent weeks, I have been driving nearly every day. There was a time when my car was parked more than I would drive. My driving has come a long way, as I am able to do things I could not do before. There was a time I nearly almost gave up driving.
Another high is I am getting better with my self care. I honestly suck at taking care of myself. I take care of everyone, and make sure they are good. My therapist reminds me to take time for myself. I am always on the go, which can be exhausting. My schedule tends to be very heavy, and I rarely have down time. I am working to change that. There are things I would like to do, such as dating. I think I am finally ready. Right now, a brunch date sounds like fun. We will see what happens. I do not think I ever went on a truly established date. Don’t get me wrong, I had fun with my friends. My therapist encourages me to go after what I want. I want to have more fun and live my best life. All I do is work.
With highs comes lows. So far, there are not a lot of lows, and I am grateful for that. First thing is my grandmother is declining health-wise. She recently celebrated her 91st birthday. Many of my family members celebrated with her. Grandma has dementia, which is progressing. My family started detecting potential issues with my Grandmother’s health around 2003. I help take care of my grandmother. She is honestly one of my favorite people. I am very close to my grandmother. We talk. We typically watch the following television shows together: Andy Griffith, Golden Girls, Westerns, and her favorite Law and Order.
It is hard for me to say the next part. Grandma is transitioning soon. Her dementia is in an advanced stage. I visited her a couple of weeks ago. During that visit, she only wanted to remain in bed. She did not want to eat or talk. It was a short visit. I relayed the summary of the visit to my mother and aunts. They expressed Grandma has been the same and other visits. I see her next week, and I hope she will be more interactive. I am starting to let go. I will miss her very much. She is the only grandparent I had growing up. No matter what happens to anyone, my conscience is clear. I cherish the memories.
Here is what I want for the rest of 2024. Reach out to your strong friends and family members, the ones who ensure everyone around them is good. Too often, people are suffering in silence. I too am guilty of that. I keep a lot to myself because I listen to everyone else’s problems. Yes I know everyone is dealing with something. There are a lot of things people don’t always speak about.
I can only speak for myself here. People have always treated me like me and my feelings don’t matter. I fight everyday of my life about something. Mentally. physically and emotionally, I am tired. I am learning how to deal with life’s stressors better. I try to be strong, but it feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I care too much. I take on too much. It is my goal to fall back.
I ultimately want peace and happiness for everyone. Thank you all for the support. Here’s to a great 2024. I love you all. Thank you for your time. Enjoy your day.
❤ Rayne Elise ❤
Discovery Journey 