Greetings everyone,
I hope all is well with you. I thank you all for your continued support. It means more to me than you will ever know. When I started this healing journey, I was in a dark place. I was hurting. I had endured so much that I would not wish on anyone. This healing journey has helped me cope and understand some things. We are not immune to the trials and tribulations of life. Life does not come with an instruction manual. We have to live each day and do the best we can. We have to find means to deal with adversity.
Please allow me to be vulnerable for a minute. I try to be as strong as possible. However, there are times when I feel weak. I take on more than most people would. I internalize more than I should. I am doing my best, but sometimes it is not good enough. I wish so many things were different. I am learning to only deal with the things that I can control. I do anything for anyone. It feels like nothing I do is ever reciprocated. It is a hurting feeling.
I work incredibly hard at my job. For the most part, I enjoy my job. I have been in my current role for less than one year. It is rewarding. However, it has its challenges. Things have been becoming harder lately. For example, I wear a lot of hats. I am inundated with additional duties and responsibilities daily. Some of the people I work with expect me to do their job functions in addition to mine. Every job has its share of difficult people, which can be cumbersome. For the most part, it is a great team of people to work with. Most know and do their jobs well. Of course, there are some slackers. The leadership team who I work closely with is excellent, and we all get along well. I am happy to finally be doing something related to my $41,000 Masters in Business Administration degree.
There are some situations which I cannot control, which affect me. I cannot give you an honest answer as to why everything affects me so deeply. In addition to work stress, I am dealing with a lot of home stressors. I assist my elderly parents with online bill payments, errands, and other things they need. Don’t get me wrong, they can function on their own. My mother mainly needs to talk and vent. My father needs a little more help than my mother. At the moment, I am dealing with his health battles in addition to my own. This means I am always at some medical facility. These appointments have been increasing in recent months. I have a long time history of being a migraine sufferer. Recently, they have been increasing due to extreme stress and lack of sleep. My migraines are pretty debilitating. I had them since age 12.
I do know I care too much. I do not know how to not care as much. I am in therapy trying to sort through my issues and emotions. I can see the physical effects of everything. Behind my smile, I am an emotional wreck. I have been expressing these emotions to those who are closest to me; however, they either don’t understand or they don’t care. I am thankful for the people who do check on me. It truly helps. I usually check on everyone as much as I can. I encourage you all to check on your strong friends. You never know what people are going through. Sometimes, just checking in could mean something to someone.
I encourage you to be a great friend. My circle is small and it always has been. I never really fit in anywhere. I am different, introverted, and a little socially awkward. I am grateful for those friends who “adopted” me. My longest friendship began in high school approximately 24 years ago. Essentially we grew up together. We saw each other through the best of times and the worst of times. He was there for me through a lot. I will forever be eternally grateful for him as a result. I wish we did more together these days like we used to. However, we both have heavy schedules. We will see what happens.
My therapist tells me I am doing great, given my circumstances. He tells me that I am too hard on myself. He also tells me I need to be more self protecting and exhibit caretaking for myself. Additionally, I need to set limits on those people who take advantage, whether at work or within my family. I am a work in progress. I am learning how to destress.
Some days are easier than others. The good days outweigh the bad days, even when you feel like you are drowning. We all have things to contend with. The point I am trying to make is that you might be doing better in life than you think you are. It is okay to admit you are not okay. It helps to express your feelings, emotions, and needs. I have to do better in that aspect. I rarely ask for help because I have always been hyper-independent, which can be detrimental. Even if you disagree with me, that is fine. I know I need to take a break – both physically and mentally. This is why I stress the importance of mental health. I am trying to remember every single day that I am not superwoman. My therapist reiterates to me that I cannot be all things to all people. I think these are words to live by.
I am rooting for each and everyone of you. We need to thrive and survive in this life. Better days are coming. Live your life to the fullest. Do your best. Eventually, all things will fall into place. This drowning feeling is overwhelming at times; but not forever, There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong. Stay faithful. Keep your head up. Keep the faith. We will keep on riding until the wheels fall off.
Peace and blessings! ~ ❤ Rayne Elise ❤
Discovery Journey 