Greetings Everyone,
I hope you are all well today. Lately, I have been forced to take a hard look at many aspects of my life. My relationships with people are not nor have they ever been particularly great. Yes, a lot of it is me. I own that 100%. Please understand these few things as to why this is the case. First, I grew up feeling unloved. I have been mistreated for as long as I can remember. Dealing with this since childhood, it stays with you. I am trying to heal and work through it. I realize the impact all of this has on me. It is funny to me that the people who hurt me rely solely on me. I have always been a caregiver to everyone. Unfortunately, I lost myself in the process. I am a work in progress trying hard to find myself.
Maybe I am too nice and kind to everyone. I try hard to treat everyone the way I want to be treated. Yet, people don’t really reciprocate the actions I do for them. The point I am trying to make is that my feeling never mattered then, and it seems that has not really changed now. The people around me say that isn’t the case; however, I strongly believe that action speak louder than words. I have experienced a lot of hurt and disappointment. This resulted in extreme trust issues.
I had very few friends in my life. I have had even fewer romantic relationships. I have always been friend zoned, which has not really changed. I am okay with that. Everyone had an opinion of how I should look, dress or be. I am unapologetic in being myself. I never really fit in, nor have I ever been traditional. I am perfectly fine with my imperfection. While I have my strengths, I do have a lot of weaknesses. I view the world differently than most, Maybe my experiences contributed to this attribute.
I am at a point where I no longer expect anything from anyone. I am used to being hurt and disappointed. In therapy, I am learning to be more self-protecting. The goal is to set limits and decrease how much I do for people. It is hard, but I know I must do this to preserve my sanity and peace. I give so much, but nothing is reciprocated. I need to focus on myself. It is easier said than done. For as long as I can remember, I have been this way. Having to change is a hard thing to cope with. Maybe I am overthinking this, which is a possibility.
Is it too much to desire and wish that for once in my life, someone keep the promises they make to me? If it too much to desire the energy I give being matched and reciprocated? What about my needs for once? I often sacrifice to ensure everyone around me is good. Yes, I know and fully understand that people do what you allow. Maybe if I treated myself better from jump, I would not be in this predicament. I blame myself. I am okay with that. I just hope when things change in terms of how I act and behave towards them, people understand my reasons. Additionally, I hope they keep the same energy.
People are often upset with me because I am adamant that I do not want a funeral. I have said this for years. My reason is simple: people treated me my crap my whole life. Why should a funeral be held for me when that was always the case? People’s intentions were never really good when it came to me. I was never overly close to anyone. Therefore, a funeral seems unnecessary. Save the money. Do something else with it. I never really felt loved or wanted. So-called friends use me as a backup plan. I do not make it a point to be close to co-workers. I am a very low-key person. Despite my feelings, I am good to everyone.
I am thankful for the growth and being better able to understand my role in the treatment I receive from others. I am now more vocal than I have ever been about what I will and won’t tolerate. For example, I currently work in a new role where I am an overseer of work production. While it is challenging, I love it. The people I work closest with are dynamic. I have already started decreasing activities towards others, which has been helping. Even though I am upset at the moment, all isn’t lost.
Here is the point of today’s post: I am more aware of my desires. Now I am trying to figure out how to improve relationships with my family members and friends. I want to meet good men and date. I am tired of the dating horror stories. I desire happiness, which I have learned begins with me. One of my all time favorite quotes comes from the great RuPaul which says this: “if you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” This was another hard lesson learned throughout this healing journey. Take heed friends. Love yourself and don’t settle for less. Do not be like me. Be better than me!
As always, thank you so much for your love and support. It truly means a lot in ways you all could never understand. Thanks for allowing me to vent my emotions today. Yes, I have said this to those around me, but they are not hearing me. Stay in peace and blessings. ~ Rayne Elise
Discovery Journey 