Greetings Everyone,
I hope you are all well today. I want to discuss something that has been weighing heavily on me. I may have mentioned this in previous posts. I am an empath. Some of you might not have heard this term before and you may have no clue what I am discussing. The term “empath” was described by the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary as “one who experiences the emotions of others: a person who has empathy for others.” (Merriam-Webster.com/dictionary/empath Accessed 06/23/21).
Why is this relevant? My answer is because there are varying traits, attributes and characteristics of people. We are the same in some ways, but vastly different in others. There are a multiple of personality types. I have been tested repeatedly over the years, and I have one of the rarest types. For more information regarding personality types, check out The Myers-Briggs Personality Test (https://16personalities.com/free-personality-test). My personality has been determined to be “INFJ or Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging.” This is considered to be one of the rarest personality types. I think this is one of the reasons why I am mostly misunderstood. Being and empath with my personality type is hard because I am more sensitive than I want to be and things affect me differently than most. I care too much and I worry. I remember most interactions and conversations. Most people who know me personally views me as weak, which could not be further from the truth. As a result, people feel comfortable to think that they can say and do many things to me.
I have very few friends. I have some friends that I am closer to than others. For the most part, my friends and I rarely speak now. Most of the time, I am the one to initiate. Yes I know everyone is busy and living their own lives. This is why I have been staying more to myself. I do have one friend who I speak to via text and phone nearly everyday. I am grateful for that. It is rare that I gravitate towards people and form solid relationships.
I am not an overly sociable person and I have never been. I am very quiet (unless I am close and/or comfortable with a person). I really hate small talk from people who are unfamiliar to me, especially those on my various social media platforms. I am active on mostly Facebook and TikTok. I have Twitter accounts, which I rarely use. I no longer have an Instagram page, but people are pushing for me to create another account. We will see in the future. Unfortunately, most of the time people reach out to me is because they want something. I am not saying this is the case with everyone – just the majority. I really wish people stop flooding my inboxes for me to be their sugar babies; or men in foreign countries who are seeking women to marry for a green card. I am sick and tired of hearing about business and/or people wanting me to buy something from them, especially if I do not know them. People are inbox me because they think I am attractive, or they are enamored with my body type (so I have been told). Many want sex or relationships. I decline both because I am not really interested in dating at this time. I will get into more of this later on in this post. Basically, I am growing increasingly frustrated with the influx of friend requests on my platforms from unknown sources. I accept some, but then it becomes overwhelming and I start rejecting them. One of the few TikTok videos I did was on this subject.
Because of my personality and my empathic nature, I am a bit socially awkward. I do not do well in most social situations. I rarely go out. I was one of the people I know who were least affected once we had to do mandatory social distancing and quarantine because of COVID-19 (coronavirus). I was fine being alone. I was even happier to be able to telework. I am not thrilled that I will be returning to my office soon, but that is for another discussion. I enjoy being alone more than anything else. Most social outings drain me immensely. I become so inundated with my surroundings that I become more depressed, which takes me a while to recharge. I get this way when I take on too much not only for myself, but for others. It takes very little to alter my mood. The best thing to keep me as upbeat as possible is music, which is my calming factor. If you see me, I will always have music playing. If you see me driving, you may see me singing to my music. It relaxes and comforts me in ways people could never understand. I also appreciate my friend who shares lots of music with me. He recently drove with me to visit my aunt and he was surprised, but very elated about that playlist which consisted of his favorite genre of music. I love all types and I have the most diverse playlist in the world. Because of my inability to form solid relationships, I cherish friendship and those closest to me.
I have spoken in depth about my divorce and how it took such a huge emotional toll on me. I have had a couple of flings which went nowhere afterwards, but I have not really dated. In fact, the friend I just described is the only man that I let become close to me after my ex-husband. While I have healed some; I am still recovering from the deep rooted pain from the ordeal. I am grateful we are currently civil, but I did not expect the aftermath to be so hard. Sometimes I am mad at myself for not being further along in my healing, but I understand things take time. Yes I am over him, as I was mentally checked out for three years prior to us separating. However I tend to repress my feelings and emotions, which is unhealthy and ultimately manifests itself into ugly ways. I have extreme trust issues, especially when it comes to men.
Many men I meet do not have the best intentions when it comes to me. Please understand I have tried. However, I do not want to be I those unsavory situations anymore. I have a thick wall up and I don’t even try anymore. People are upset with me because of it. I am told I should be meeting and dating multiple men, playing the field and having sex. I have been abstinent since January 2018. After two dangerous and traumatizing sexual encounters with different people, I made the decision to stay single. I did try to date again in late 2020, early 2021, but once again that man played games and had one too many excuses. We would make plans in advance. The day of, he would cancel on me due to car issues; death in his family; because he was working overtime; he had no money; and, lastly he forgot. After doing this back and forth for a few months, I questioned him about it. He ghosted me immediately afterwards. He tell me this is a part of life, which I fully understand.
Yes I do have someone in mind who I would happily date if I were given the opportunity. I am certain that I have once again been friend zoned. Sadly, I am used to it. I am okay with being friend zoned. However people tend to rely on me in a manner which I feel goes beyond friendship. I am in my feelings right now for this reason. However I understand people will treat you how you allow them to.
The point of this post today is to explain some of the reasons why I am the way I am. I know I am flawed and I have issues. At the same time, I am wonderfully and uniquely made. I am learning to embrace me fully. I want to surround myself with people who want the same. Here is what I ask you all – please become familiar with those who are around you as well as their intricate personalities. There is a reason why everyone is who and how they are. Also, be aware of those who are more sensitive and emotional. I firmly believe people as a whole do not know what a person is battling. I have so many personal battles that people don’t understand. People are scarred and many are trying to heal. It is okay for everyone to be different. Our differences are what makes the world go round.
Thank you for your continued love and support. You have no idea how much it means to me. I love you all. Stay blessed.
❤ Rayne Elise ❤
Discovery Journey 