Greetings Everyone,
I hope you are all well today. I am in one of the best moods that I have ever been in after lots of reflection and growth. I am beginning to change my outlook and perspective on life. Our circumstances do not define us. I have learned that it is up to us as people to choose how me deal with the circumstances. The goal is for constant thriving. I am thankful for these recent life lessons and changes as I see that positive thoughts foster positive experiences. I am not saying everything is perfect or even where I want them to be at this point in time. However, I choose to be happy. I choose to keep trying. I choose to be optimistic and hopeful that things will continue to improve for me. At the end of the day, life is what we make it. Many people have faced and overcame a lot of adversity in their lives. There are other people who have not really experienced any adversity, still they remain happy at all times.
I am beginning to realize how blessed I am. I have seen a lot of positive changes in recent months. For instance, I have learned to forgive myself for a lot of the choices I have made. I have forgiven myself for toxic behaviors and toxic relationships (this is mainly a nod to my ex-husband, who I am still civil with at this time). I am learning to focus more on myself and how there are various patterns. Repeated patterns can lead to devastation if they are of a negative nature and not checked. I always felt (and still do to a degree) that people have wronged me. Yet I am learning that some of it is me. So many people have told me that I have a very negative disposition. I am still a work in progress, and I have been working to change this about myself. In many ways, I find myself to be similar personality-wise to my mother, and well that scares me a bit. (Queue’s one of my favorite songs by Prince, “When Doves Cry,” “… maybe I’m just too demanding; maybe I’m just like my father, too bold; maybe you’re just like my mother; she’s never satisfied…”). I am beginning to pay more attention to these things and I have been changing my thought processes.
My home situation is not ideal. I am currently staying with my mother, and I do not have enough money to move on my own. On paper, it appears I earn great money. However I am heavily taxed. Then I have credit card, auto, and student loan debt. Not to mention car insurance of over $400.00 per month at this time. I wish I managed money better, but at this time, I have a roof over my head and a decent job. My mother has really been patiently working with me even though the circumstances that led me to her house to begin with are not ideal. I do miss living on my own. However I am thankful she is accommodating me. I am trying to slowly get out of debt. That in itself is a process and I am learning how to better budget my money. I am also looking into some more side jobs to help supplement my income in the mean time. Work is slowly improving. I have been in my current position for six months and with the agency for over ten years. My supervisor and I have been working on a happy medium. We have both realized where there are deficiencies and we are collectively learning how to correct them. I am beginning to become more confident in myself, as this is something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. I am learning that I am the way God intended for me to be – flaws and all. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. I am just learning how to address and deal with mine. I am being more honest with myself. I am grateful for those close people in my life who calls me out on my foolishness. I value their honest feedback.
For the first time in my life, I have experienced dealing with a man who is not using me. If things were better for the both of us, I would love for me and him to try a relationship. I think he feels the same way to a degree. I can’t really speak for him. I am a little afraid and I don’t want to ruin what we have. It is a bond that I have never experienced. He understands my moods, just like I understand his. I am a moody person by nature. I have always been. I think I will always be to a degree. I am thankful for him daily. I do not hesitate to tell him that. He is very protective of me. He has been more of a husband to me than my actual husband was. I am happy around him at any time doing anything. I enjoy our daily conversations. He has truly changed my view of men in ways he doesn’t realize. I recently had this encounter with a random man in a metro subway station. He asked me for my number. I reluctantly gave it to him because people tell me I should date. He was a f–k boy. I have experienced so many of them. The random man turned me off instantly. It is refreshing that the prior man I described – people like him exist. I am use to the f–k boy type and I am ready to give up on dating and relationships based on the patterns.
Overall, I am thankful for every experience. I am happy for once in my life. For that I am grateful. Keep moving upward despite any negative circumstances. I am living proof of that. You all have seen this from my various topics. More is coming. Thank you all for the love and support you have shown me with this blog. You have no idea how much it means. This has been therapeutic and it is something I enjoy. Keep your head up and keep the faith. Peace and blessings everyone ~> Rayne Elise.
Discovery Journey 