My Best Relationship Advice

Hello Everyone,

I hope you are all well today. On my Facebook and Instagram pages, I give a lot of relationship advice in the various groups I am in. I speak a lot about my past relationship in many of my posts. There were a lot of things I wished people told me. I learned through experience, much of which was trial and error. I feel this is the best way to learn. My disclaimer is that this is all of my opinion. It is best for you to learn things as well as everyone views and handles things differently.

I only had one real relationship in my life. I wish I had more experience, but everything happens for a reason. I was with my ex-husband for 12 years before we split up. It was 13 years by the time we were divorced. We dated for 7 years before we got married. We were married for about 5 years before the separation. I strongly feel that if we knew some of these things, we might have worked out. It is a possibility that we would have had the same outcome. I guess we will never know. Either way I thank him for the experience. I am grateful that I can use this experience to try to help others.

My first piece of advice is to know and love yourself first before pursuing a relationship with someone. I settled really young (19 when we dated and 26 when we married). I had low self esteem stemming from my upbringing. I did not think that I would find anyone that would love me. I am always the friend, homie and sister. It is rare men see me as more than that. I settled based on my own selfish needs and insecurities. Yes, I really loved my ex-husband. I am adamant that he did not love me. Further, he likely kept me around for stability. I realize all of this now after much reflection. In all honesty, we probably had no business getting married. He did not really love himself either. As a result, two really broken people should not be together. Everyone should heal first. We did not. We both brought so much baggage into that relationship. Loving yourself sets the tone for how other people will view and treat you. I did not leave that relationship until I began to love myself. This premise is the reason that I have not really pursued another relationship since my relationship ended. I am honestly still healing and learning how to fully love myself. I do not want to repeat the past mistakes.

I knew him since high school. We were cool since we competed on the debate team from opposing schools. We reconnected in college. I saw so many red flags early on that I ignored because I really wanted to be in a relationship. I also thought he would change. Had I loved myself starting on, I would have moved on much earlier, if I even agreed to be in a relationship with him. Pay attention to red flags. I tolerated a lot at 19 that I could no longer deal with at 31. Sadly, people only change when they want to and for the person they want to. People do not change because you want them to. These are all hard lessons that I had to learn the hard way. Unfortunately, he has proven the last sentiment in his current marriage to another woman.

Try to find someone that is on your level and someone who you are evenly yoked with. My ex-husband and I differed on so many aspects. We were different religions. We paid bills differently. We had different cleaning habits. We purchased food differently. Although we were the same age chronologically, we were not the same age mentally. Being with him was like raising a child. I am someone who has always been extremely mature. I have a very old soul. People never believe I am the age I say I am based on my more settled nature. My ex-husband and I were not evenly yoked. We did not have the same educational backgrounds. We differed in every aspect you can think of, which made our relationship challenging. I am someone who is very family oriented. In a huge way, I am the glue in my family. He on the other hand barely spoke with his family. Had we been evenly yoked, things might have been different. Please understand that I believe opposites attract. People can make differences work if they want to. In my relationship, I feel that we were too different. We wanted different things out of life. We were unsuccessful in making our differences work. I always wanted to advance myself. He was more-or-less complacent. When I did advance myself in any way, it caused further problems in our relationship.

This brings me to my next point. Find someone who is on your level spiritually, mentally, emotionally, socially, sexually, educationally and economically. This will makes a huge difference. Make sure you and your partner discuss every aspect of a relationship, in addition to life goals. Make sure you are on the same page. I can say that I put my all into that relationship. I was the only one who sacrificed. He would not budge. If both people do not exhibit these same levels, the relationship is doomed.

Never become co-dependent on your partner. My ex-husband and I were co-dependent on each other because neither of us really had friends. The only friend I really had during that time, he was jealous of. No one wanted to see me and my ex together. I was told by many people that I was making a mistake and he would always hold me back in life. I accomplished the two main things people told me that I would never accomplish once we separated. I learned how to drive and I obtained a graduate degree. My point is that people should pay attention, to some degree to the feedback of others looking in. I am not by any means saying to have people in your business. That was another mistake we made. I am saying that everyone can’t be wrong. I believe many people foresaw the inevitable that I did not see based on the blinders I had.

Keep people out of your business. Everyone has an opinion. People’s opinions are not always the best. Remember misery loves company. Miserable people will always give bad advice. Try to work your differences with your partner out in private. Never speak bad about your mate or talk about your problems to anyone. People will not be helpful, but they will be more hurtful. We did not follow this. There were so many problems with outside interference. I am a very spiritual person. I am not overly religious, but I believe God (or whatever supreme being you believe in, if any, should be the center of any relationship. Based on my marriage, I am a strong advocate for premarital counseling. We did not try counseling. I think people should exhaust all possible solutions before calling it quits.

All in all, follow your gut instincts. Listen to your intuition. Talk to your partner in the courting stage about how you all will collectively handle things as well as potential deal breakers. Keep the lines of communication open. What little we did try to talk about our problems, it turned into a battle since we both became defensive. We could not have any conversations without it turning into an argument. Also take ownership for your roles in your relationship problems. No one person is to blame for everything. Also acknowledge the pain you cause each other. Do not go to bed angry. Do not repress or hold back your feelings. I am someone who hates arguments and conflict. I grew up around a lot of arguing, and it affects me to this day. I avoid conflict as much as possible. I will go out of my way to keep the peace. This is not always good because it teaches your mate and others that many things they do are okay when they are not. I repressed so much in my relationship that I am still dealing with the pain of letting go a couple of years later. If they are addressed at the time in a healthy manner, that would alleviate some of the problems. I had so much anger, resentment and pain for my ex-husband that I am still working through. This tends to cripple you and it prevents you from fully moving on. Find a healthy way to resolve conflicts as they happen. Do not end up like me in this aspect. I held back so much that it has been challenging to deal with. Do not do that. If the lines of communication are always open in a healthy manner, some relationship problems can be resolved. Resolve conflicts before you go to bed at night. We did not and we were often angry because of it, This anger will spill over and affect you in other ways, such as work or in other relationships.

Every relationship is different. I have learned so much from this relationship that I know of changes I will make in the next. Everyone is different and there is no cookie cutter method to dealing with relationships. We all have varying personalities and experiences that will impact how relationships should be handled. Also be mindful of other elements that could affect relationships, such as age, culture, religion, etc.

At the present time, I wish so many things were different. We do not get into relationships with the hope of breaking up. I have experienced a lot of heartache and pain in my life. My story gets really deep. Even with that, my relationship and the aftermath of it was one of the hardest things I ever dealt with. I am still healing, as it is a slow and gradual process. These are some of the many lessons that I have learned in the process. I hope some of this advice can help. Please email me some of your other advice to emailrayneelise@yahoo.com. Peace and blessings everyone. Spread love. ~ Rayne Elise