Greetings Everyone, I hope you are all well today. I want to take this time to thank you for the support that I have received on this blog so far. As we are coming to a close in 2019, I want to discuss many of the trials, tribulations, triumphs and successes that I had for this year. This year was filled with a lot of highs and lows. Still, I overcame a lot of adversity and I discovered a lot about myself in the process.
I am by no means a perfect person. I am essentially flawed. I am not everyone’s cup of tea, but I fully understand that. Part of my journey for this year was to love and accept myself. In order to do this, I had to examine all of my strengths and weaknesses. I had to learn how to love myself for everything that I am instead of hating myself for everything that I am not. Despite my personality, which many people who know me personally have a problem with, I know in my heart that I have good intentions. I go out of my way to help everyone. No, I do not do anything for praise or accolades. I try hard to be the person that I wish people were. This means I treat everyone good, despite how I am treated. I am working on setting boundaries and limits with people, as this is one of the main processes I am learning in therapy. People tend to take my kindness for weakness. I am not by any means weak, as I have endured a lot in my life. Still, I try to demonstrate and promote kindness as I believe God wanted us as people to. I take a lot more negative behaviors from people than I should, much to a fault, however I am proud to say that I have come a long way.
One example of the kindness that I continue to show someone who wronged me is my ex-husband. We inadvertently reconnected in 2019. At the moment, he and I are still civil. After separating three years ago in 2016 and ultimately divorcing late 2017, I can say that we came a long way. While the pain from my marriage still hurts me, I am proud I am able to still talk to him, as a friend at most. Don’t worry, there is no chance for a romantic reconciliation. He is remarried and I am interested in someone else. Still, growth is powerful and he and I both had a lot of growing to do. In fact, we spent yesterday talking through our employer’s messaging system about pets and my nieces. Yes I am still healing from the pain. However, most of the growth that I have experienced this year came from not only forgiving him, but myself too. See, we started out young. We were married before we turned 30 years old and this was after dating since our late teens and early 20’s. Most of the life lessons that I have learned have come from my marriage and the aftermath. Two months ago, I attended the wake for his late grandmother. She and I were really close at one point in time. I feel bad that I didn’t reach out to her as much in the last several years, but she will be deeply missed. I have always said that she was the original “Madea.”
Many people tend to have an opinion about my interactions with my ex-husband. My therapist even told me that my behavior dictates I want to reignite a relationship. That scenario could not be any further from the truth. In a way, I am thankful for the experience because I gained so much insight into where I went wrong as well as how I can become a better person in the process. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. My divorce was the catalyst to me loving myself and taking a hard look at me. I still have more self work to do, but many have noticed the growth in me. To my ex-husband, I will always thank you and cherish the good times we shared. You will always have a special place in my heart. In my mind, you will always be family since I spent 13 years of my life with you. You will never understand how much everything impacted me.
I also tend to use my experiences and stories as a cautionary tale for many people who are struggling in relationships. I do not recommend anyone staying in any situation where it is not beneficial to them or their health. I have heard too many horror stories. My relationship wasn’t all bad. We failed because we lacked communication. We were not on the same page. Most importantly, we were not evenly yoked. Based on some of our recent conversations, it appears he is a better husband to his current wife. For instance, he told me he cooked at Thanksgiving. He did not really cook when we were together. It is funny how time and people change. I am not mad about anything. I am happy he was able to move on. I also wish him continued happiness. As for me, I do not know where the future lies in terms of me dating. I have a friend where I would love to have that conversation. However, timing is not good for either of us. I don’t want to potentially ruin the friendship either. That will likely be a later blog topic.
I have thought long and hard about the things I would like to do in the future. I really want to write a book. As you can see, I have a lot to talk about based on my varied experiences. I have had this book title picked out since the age of 10. It is something that I plan to work on soon. Most of my teachers have told me that I was always one of the best writers in their classes. As a result, I should always write if I do nothing else in life. I love writing, as it is one of the most healing mechanisms for me. I am an open book. I also give a lot of advice in the various groups that I am in on Facebook. Most of the advice is about relationships. I am not an expert at all, however I do provide a lot of feedback to the women who are in bad situations. I really want to do motivational speaking, especially to young girls. As an adolescent, I had very low self esteem. I was bullied throughout school. I never fit into the mode for beauty standards. I was always different and I never fit in. Not much has changed as an adult. Still, I want to motivate people to live in their truth and to accept that they are wonderfully made, as God intended for them to be. I believe God does not make any mistakes. We are all unique and different. I love being who I am, despite the many forces that are trying to change me. I have been told that I have a calm and healing spirit. Another friend calls me his ram in the bush. I feel motivational speaking would show people that I have been where they are physically, mentally and emotionally and I overcame adversity. I want to teach people how to do the same. I remember my best friend once asked me to complete a questionnaire for a young girl he was mentoring. The questionnaire was about attitudes for darker skinned African-American females. I fit this category and I spoke honestly about the challenges I personally faced. I am not “black” enough for African-Americans, but “too black” for Caucasians. It took me years to understand I am fine as I am. I see in the media that there are so many unhappy people for various reasons. I want to be that person who inspires others to understand their circumstances and overcome the odds.
Another part of my self revelation for this year has been in viewing employment. I have worked in some capacity since the age of 13 years old. I have not had the best experiences in working. I am usually among the youngest. I tend to work harder than most. Unfortunately, I am not well liked because of my personality. That is okay because I work hard and the only person I really need to please is myself. It took me a long time to learn and understand this as well. I learn fast. Change can be hard. Starting a new position is always challenging for me. I started in my most recent position in September 2019. It is the one position I wanted the most. I like it for the most part, however my supervisor is a perfectionist and she is challenging to deal with. I am trying to learn how to cater to her style and learn all that I can. I am also trying to stay true to myself in the process. My goal is for me and my supervisor to come to a happy medium this upcoming year.
I have decided a while ago that I want to have my own business. One venture would be a Human Resources consulting firm. I am still working out all of the details. Human Resource Management was my concentration in graduate school. I see where a lot of jobs could revamp their standard operating procedures on employee relations and customer satisfaction. There are several influencers who I follow on Linked In. I would love to emulate them in terms of their expertise. Another business venture that I wanted to start was a multifaceted homeless and rehabilitation facility in my hometown of Baltimore, Maryland. I have some ideas that I am still working on. I have encountered a lot of poverty in my line of work. This is a way that I wanted to give back to my community. I have discussed this idea in my various classes in grad school. All of the teachers thought it was an excellent idea. I want to take a grant writing class as well in order to get started.
I have understood that I can be all over the place. I do have a good reason. In 2013, I was diagnosed as having an Attention Deficit Disorder. Organization is not my strength. It has never been, but I am working on it. That is something that I want to combat and control more in 2020. I have found some ways to deal with it, but I have to do more, especially with my current employment. I want to also work more on my mental health state. I have explained previously that I have an anxiety disorder. I suffer from clinical depression. I tend to worry more than most people. Yes, I do address all of these things in therapy.
I have talked about some of the lessons and experiences that I have experienced in 2019. There are other significant events for me in 2019. I purchased my first car. It has been a challenge learning how to drive. I had two accidents within one month of each other. I did not cause the first one. However, I hit a parked car in the second accident. I am thankful to my friend who has been more than patient with me, especially when it comes to my driving. Whether he realizes it or not, he has been my rock. I love him for that. When I made it back to work after the first car accident, I cried as soon as I saw him. He was with me another time when we went out and encountered this crazy woman in a fit of road rage. He had to calm me down. I firmly believe we all cross paths for a reason. I am thankful for him daily.
My friend and I have been through a lot together in 2019. It was a rough year for the both of us. Still, we have been there for each other through a lot. The bond we share is extremely close, as it is one that I have never shared with anyone. He always speaks his mind. He holds no punches and is an alpha male. I am not used to alpha males outside of my father. My friend has shown me a side of men that I am not use to. I never did a lot of dating. In fact, my ex-husband is the only real relationship I have ever had. My friend tells me often why I am friend zoned by other men. He encourages me. He tells me often that he wishes I saw in myself what he sees in me. He makes me think. He explains a lot about his culture. I have also been learning a lot about his culture on my own. I have cooked for him. He loves my cooking. Who knows what 2020 will bring us.
Another major event for me in 2019 was the fact that I legally reverted back to my maiden name. My last name became hyphenated when I had gotten married. I dropped his name the end of 2018, but it went into effect early 2019. It was a process changing all of my documentation. So many of my male friends have voiced their opinions about a woman taking her husband’s last name. This is a conversation I have daily. My friend still has jokes and calls me by my married name. He also makes it a point to tell me that women in his culture do not take their husband’s last names. That repeated conversation always makes me laugh.
2019 for me was about letting go. I wanted to let go of the hurt and pain from my past. I wanted to let go of the self doubt that I had. There were so many times in my life when I felt like I wasn’t good enough, or pretty enough or smart enough. I also thought I wasn’t strong enough to endure the hand that life has dealt me. I proved myself wrong. I overcame a lot of things this year that was meant to destroy me. I also tapped into a level of strength and resilience that I never knew I had. So while this was a rough year, I will say that I accomplished a lot. I grew more this year than I did in any other year. I lost a significant amount of weight. I have more weight to lose, but I am proud of the amount I did lose. I was able to forgive people. That took a lot of courage and resilience. I found my voice, as I am learning how to articulate my feelings and stand up for myself. For instance, after Christmas, I had to contact the Giant Food Corporate Office due to a horrible encounter with a cashier. I had to file a complaint because of the level of disrespect and rudeness. Usually I would not complain, however it was extreme. Plus I feel like I should be treated better if I am patronizing a store and spending hard earned money.
For most of the year, I juggled working two jobs. I dealt with a lack of sleep and extreme stress. Still I overcame drama at both jobs. I am slowly trying to get out of debt. I have been diligently working on repairing and rebuilding my credit. It has been paying off. Instead of reacting negatively to some of the adversity I faced, I took the high road and did not engage in foolishness. I am able to understand how to better control my anger and emotions. One of the biggest things I plan to work on in 2020 is to learn how to not internalize everything and take things so personally. I am trying to not dwell on things as much. It is a work in progress.
I want each and everyone of you to look at your 2019 and do a self revelation about the challenges you have faced as well as the triumphs you have received. Yes this year was hard for so many people. I talk to people daily. I want you all to look positively to 2020. Claim all of the great things you want to receive. We made it. To all of those we have lost in 2019, you will be missed. May they continue to rest in peace. Celebrate life. Grow. Spread love and positivity. Most importantly, continue to thrive and persevere. Thank you all again for a great 2019. Peace and blessings, Rayne Elise.
Discovery Journey 