Life Goes On, You Will Overcome

Greetings everyone,

I hope you are all well today. I wanted to talk about rebounding and life going on after one faces adversity. I am very vocal about some of the adversity, tragedies and triumphs I have faced in my life. We are not immune to the trials and tribulations of life. Life does not come with a manual on how one would navigate through the process. At the same time, life goes on. You will overcome your adversity. I am living proof of this.

One thing that I have discussed in prior posts is my divorce. It has been two years ago since it happened. The aftermath of my divorce is still a huge source of pain for me. People do not get married with the thought that it might not last. I really loved my ex-husband. I put my all into that relationship. At the same time, there are many things I realize now that we both could have done differently. However, things happen when two essentially broken people come together. I am proud to say I ran into him several months ago at an office I worked at previously. Being able to forgive both him and myself was one of the most freeing experiences of my life. In fact, we are civil at the moment. We talk from time to time through the employer’s messaging system. Before you ask, no there is not a chance of reconciliation. He is currently married and I am in what seems like the beginning stages of a relationship. I am thankful for our time – the good and bad, as it served as one of the biggest life lessons which shaped me into the woman that I have become. I am grateful that he and I made it to this point. I will always have some love for him. To me, he will always be family. No I am not in love where I harbor romantic feelings for him. That ship has sailed, sunk and burned between us. I say all of this to say that I stayed with him years long than I wanted to for various reasons.

One reason is because I really loved him and I fought to make my marriage work as a result. I tried to argue as little as possible. No I am no blaming him for everything. I do accept my role in our demise. Second, his grandmother did not want me to leave him because she assumed he would commit suicide without me. I did not want to be accused of being the reason if he did in fact commit suicide. She and I were close at one point in time. Sadly, she passed away recently. Yes, I did attend her wake. I ran into various family members of his including his current wife. Unfortunately, I was unable to attend her funeral because it conflicted with a work appointment. She will be deeply missed. This post is dedicated to her memory. A third reason I stayed is because I thought I would change him. In retrospect, that is never a good reason to stay with anyone. A person will only change when they want to, if they are ready. They will also only change for the person they want to change for. In talking to my ex-husband now, he is at least cooking. He did not when we were together. A fourth reason I stayed was because so many people around me were divorced. I wanted to beat the odds. Fifth, I hoped things would improve between us, but they continued to worsen. Our arguments became more extreme and my health really started deteriorating around that time. Sixth, my parents divorced when I was young. I remembered the pain I felt then in the process. I did not want to experience the same pain for my marriage. However it became to the point where he and I were no longer able to prolong the inevitable. Seventh and most important – I did not think that I would overcome or rebound from divorce. I watched how many of the people who were close to me were affected by their respective divorces. I am a person who does not adapt well to changes. The separation was an adjustment… a difficult one on one hand; but a weight lifted on the other hand. The eighth and final reason why I stayed with my ex-husband as long as I did was because I am a Christian. I was taught God frowns upon divorce. I really wanted to stay married because I never thought I would get married to begin with. I admire couples who are able to stay married for 10 years or more.

Divorce is hard on anyone. Mine took a huge physical, mental and emotional toll on me. I was already suffering with clinical depression stemming from the age of 5. Everyone rebounds differently. I had a small circle of friends who were there for me around that one. My best friend went out of his way to be there for me. I will always be indebted to him for the love and support he gave me in general, but especially during that time. I started therapy around that time. No, I am not ashamed. I strongly urge discussions about mental health awareness – especially within the African-American community. Therapy helped. Unfortunately, most of my therapy discussions were about my work situation as opposed to my marriage and divorce. I will speak about working in a moment. Writing has always been very therapeutic for me. Most teachers have told me that I am one of the best writers they have ever seen. It is important to have an outlet in life. Writing has been mine for as long as I can remember. I am a person who is very vocal about my experiences. This too has helped me immensely. Everyone needs to find something that works for them. This will ensure everyone will be able to overcome adversity and move on.

Now I will discuss working. I have worked and volunteered since the age of 13 in some capacity. I am a millennial (35 years old at the moment to be exact). I have worked in so many industries. These include, but are not limited to education and child care; non-profit; government; retail and sales and office/administrative roles. I am usually among the youngest. I work really hard. I learn quickly; however the learning curve can be challenging. I am the epitome of a team player. I will work in a number of roles and capacities to ensure the job is done. When I were younger, I would quit a job within a few months. I also worked at a lot of temporary positioned (summer) jobs. My longest job is my current one. I have been with the company for 9 years and 10 months. I have worked in several offices and in various roles in this agency. I have had varied experiences. I did recently accept a promotion at the headquarter office. I adjusted well; however everything has its good and bad qualities. My previous office was very toxic. I suffered immensely in this particular jurisdiction. I left my first office January 2018 to accept a promotion in another jurisdiction. I was overlooked for a lot of positions at my first office in the original jurisdiction, not because I was not qualified, but because of nepotism. I will say there are some unfair hiring practices. I started at the second office as a supervisor. Because of the fact that I was younger than most (second youngest if I remember correctly) and in graduate school (I was matriculating through the Masters of Business Administration program at Walden University), I was not well liked. What I am about to say is going to be controversial. I am a proud and unapologetically black woman. Most of the offices I have worked at within this organization are heavily populated and ran by African-American women. Please understand that I have nothing against anyone. I will work with anyone and I would also do anything for anyone.