Good evening everyone. I hope you are all well today. For this post, I want to share a little of my story and where I am today. I have mentioned a few things here and there. However, I want to provide you with a more personalized scenario of a day in my life and a walk in my shoes. In my 34 years of life, I have experienced a lot. I am the oldest child for both of my parents. I have a total of three younger siblings. I would say that I have always been more mature than most and very different. I am different in all aspects – personality wise (primarily quiet, introverted and reserved). I am one of the nicest people you will ever meet. I am too nice, resulting in people taking advantage of me. Yes I understand that people only do what you allow. I believe heavily in treating everyone the way I would like to be treated, even though it is not reciprocated. I try too hard. I do acknowledge that about myself. I will provide contextual examples. I go out of my way to reach out to people to check on them and make sure they are okay. It is rare anyone other than my mother calls me to check on me. It really hurts me a lot. I am not as vocal with people as I could be. I do not set boundaries like I should. Hence some of the problems in my marriage. Communication and honesty is essential in every interaction.
In terms of appearances, I am short (approximately five feet, one inch tall, I am a big, beautiful woman (BBW) weighing in around 254 pounds. I have been trying hard to lose weight. It fluctuates a lot. I really want to lose weight for health reasons. I also really want to have a baby naturally within the next three years. There is no dream that I wanted more than motherhood. I had miscarriages in the past, which affected me. In retrospect, it was for the best because of the circumstances at the time. My Christian faith does not allow me to question some things.
I am an unapologetic African-American female. I wear my hair naturally curly. I rarely wear make up. I have my own unique style of dress. When it is warm, I love to wear dresses. When it is cold, I wear tons of layers. I am always cold. It is so bad that if I am hot, it is extremely hot. I sleep with a blanket year round. I am learning how to love myself and be comfortable in my own skin. Unfortunately, African-American people I know don’t consider me black enough. This is because of how I talk. I did not do many of the things my counterparts did. I never fit in anywhere. I never had a lot of friends. I do not have a lot of the stereotypical characteristics that many African-American women are slated to have. I think I am misunderstood by many people as a result. People usually remember me for whatever reason. I have distinctive features.I have darker skin. I have a physical attribute which makes me stand out. I also wear glasses. I always look the same – just aged.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Life’s journey is to find your purpose and to understand why everything happened. Remember from a previous post that I mentioned my marriage. That was not a good situation, and it would not have been ideal to bring a child into the world at that time. I am trying hard to align myself so that if the opportunity presents itself, I will be better prepared to raise a child. It is likely that I will adopt a child at 40. I have some known infertility issues. That has been hard to deal with. I am grateful for the advances in technology. As a result, it is likely my dream will be fulfilled.
I am the hugest lover of music. I love all kinds and my diverse massive playlist has something that everyone can enjoy. I am more mild mannered and easy going though most. Many people would say that I am passive. There are various reasons why my personality is the way it is. I suffered from a lot of mental abuse and bullying my whole life. I am not saying that I do not defend myself. That is not the case. It just takes me longer and I view the world differently.
I am sharing my experiences because I feel it is needed. I also want to provide people with a better understanding of me as a person, a woman and an individual. Everyone has an opinion about how I live my life, however people are not always understanding of the circumstances that shapes people. Hence, mental health is important to me. I think more research and testing needs to be done. Mental health and depression is a topic that is not discussed as well as it could be. I am personally a very transparent and open person.
Discovery Journey 