Hello everyone, I hope you are all well today. I am a firm advocate in mental health awareness. As a result, I want to share my journey of living with high functioning anxiety and depression.
For as long as I can remember, I have had bouts of depression and anxiety. I tend to worry more than most people. I am a believer of God (Christian) and I was raised that I should not worry and I need to put all of my faith in Him. Still, I struggle with this aspect. I am a constant work in progress and I am in therapy at this time to address my depression and anxiety. No, I am not ashamed. I am very open about my experiences.
My earliest recollection of depression and anxiety dates back to kindergarten back in 1989-1990. I was bullied almost the entire time I was in school. My parents had a tumultuous relationship. I was always overweight and darker than most of the other children. The fact that I was quiet and more reserved than most did not help. I did not fight back. Many people saw me as an easy target.
I suffered a lot of verbal abuse. I was often told in elementary school that I had the lowest self esteem that most people had seen. I did not feel the love that I desperately needed to feel growing up. That trickled to some of the mental health issues that I have now as an adult. The longer I am in therapy, the more I am beginning to get to the root of my issues. I have lost a lot of relationships over the years as a result. For those who have stood by me through a lot, I will always appreciate you. You have no idea of the impact that had on me. I have one friend in particular who, for over 20 years, through the good and bad, he has been there. It means a lot. You know who you are.
I have severe crowd anxiety. I don’t know where it originated from. I have asked my parents that question many times in my life, and both has eluded to something that happened to me in my childhood. Unfortunately, I have no recollection. In all honesty, if I did not have to work, I would probably never leave the house. This is especially because I can order everything online. I still work all day. I still go out and function. However, some days are better than others. There was a day recently where so much happened that I called my mother and cried during my whole lunch break at work.
No, I am not on medication for my anxiety and depression. It is well controlled for the most part. However, I fear it is coming soon. My therapist and I have not had that discussion yet, but based on the extent of the situation, I believe we will. I am not a firm believer that I need to be medicated. I have learned to combat some of my problems with my extensive and massive music collection. Music keeps me calm and focused. I also have an attention deficit disorder.
I have been robbed. I have panic attacks. I experienced so much adversity at my job. I have never properly learned how to deal with my anxiety and depression. I spoke in other posts about my bouts of depression in terms of my childhood. Adulthood has been extremely hard for me. Not being a mother depresses me at times. However, I feel it is for the best. I am not as stable as I could be.
I started driving nearly one year ago. That is the cause of a lot of my anxiety. Recently while out with a friend, I encountered the worst road rage incident. A woman wanted me to get out of my car to fight me. I did nothing wrong. I do not know what set her off. I also had two car accidents. I worry about bills and not having enough food. I like to be overly prepared. I try to check on people so much that I am told I smother them. I care too much about things that do not concern me, which is another reason my anxiety levels are so bad. I am an empath. Doing the type of work I do, I hear a lot of stories. I feel so deeply about everything. I am very much affected and often triggered by a lot. I do not eat nor sleep like I should. I have been through a lot in my life. I am still going through a lot. I am learning how to better manage everything.
Discovery Journey 