Forgiveness

Greetings Everyone,

I hope you are all well today. I have been away for a while. It is my goal and plan to make more entries. One of the topics that I want to talk about today is forgiveness. As I have mentioned in some of my prior posts, I have experienced a lot of things in my life. At the present moment, I am one week away from celebrating another birthday. As a result, I feel it is best for me to reflect and ponder various elements of my life.

I express a lot of gratitude for every person in my life in all capacities. I have encountered so many people who have taught me so many things about life. At the same time, many people have wronged me. I am a kind hearted person. A lot of people tends to take my kindness for weakness. I harbor no ill feelings towards anyone. I have also mentioned in previous posts that I have been married before. Essentially, my marriage was rocky. However it taught me the most life lessons, with the biggest one being forgiveness.

I met my ex-husband in high school. We met at summer debate camp in Atlanta, GA back in 2000. We had to face each other in a debate round. He was partnered with my best friend at the time. We will say it was an interesting experience. I was 15 almost 16 years old that summer. It is one of the things that I will never forget. In the following years I competed in speech and debate, I was always nice to my ex-husband for whatever reason. I believe heavily that we all cross paths for a reason. I also believe in fate as well as the fact that everything happens for a reason. Fast forward to my college years in the fall of 2003. I had transferred colleges after an unsuccessful first year. I ran into him. We talked about a lot of things. We also had a lot of classes in the same buildings based on our majors at the time (I started off in Computer Science. Years later, I ended up in Social Work. That will be a later blog topic).

Eventually, he began walking me to class. After a while, we made plans to go on our first date, which was months later. Out first eventual date was to a baseball game on June 13, 2004 between the home team and the San Francisco Giants. Our second date was to the movies to see Spider Man 2. I was sick as a dog, having recently left the hospital days earlier. Out third date was the day we finally became a couple, July 15, 2004. I was 19 at this point nearing my 20th birthday. For the first two years we were together, we were very close. We spent a lot of time together. He was my first real relationship; my first love; my first everything. In 2006, I started working steadily. As a result, we could not spend as much time together. At the same time, we were both still in college. Around this time, I changed my major to Social Work. It took me 7 years overall to graduate with my bachelors degree. Again, this will be discussed further later. He too had his scholastically struggles in school. As a result of these factors, along with personal problems, our relationship began to suffer.

Now that I am older and thinking back, I think of the various reasons why our relationship failed. We started off really young. Neither of us had found ourselves. He and I were very co-dependent on one another. I mean that we did not pursue separate efforts outside of each other. I am the type of person who likes to keep the peace. I internalized a lot of things, which I mostly kept to myself. I graduated from college May 16, 2009 with my bachelors degree in Social Work. This was another blow our relationship suffered, as he eventually quit college altogether. I struggled throughout college, as there were times when I had to work two and three jobs in addition to school. Again, my home life was not really ideal. It was somewhat dysfunctional. He and I lacked communication and accountability into the roles we both played in the demise of our relationship. Our relationship had lots of arguments and insecurities. He always assumed I would leave him for my best friend (my male best friend always made the choice to friend zone me). I was the type that was more of a go-getter and over achiever. My ex-husband was more or less complacent and nonchalant. Our personalities differed significantly. As we aged, we found that we had very little in common.

Despite all of these factors, he and I  made the choice to move in together. I started working at my current full time job February 10, 2010. He and I moved in together circa January 28, 2011. Living together was rough as he was no real help with bills, cleaning or anything else in the apartment for that matter. Every bill in our apartment was in my name, with the exception of cable. He did not even give me  half of the money towards the bills. I paid for almost everything on my own. I grew to resent him for some of the problems that we had in the apartment. The struggle took its toll on me. He and I did not agree on anything.

After we renewed our apartment’s lease April 2012, a woman moved in below us who was extremely problematic. She would bang on our floor (her ceiling) all hours of the day and night. She would call the Courtesy Patrol Office, alleging we were making all types of noise. I was not home that much. In the fall of 2011, I enrolled in graduate school and began my tenure in the Master of Social Work program. I was working a lot; doing internships and suffering health wise due to the stress of everything. It was a major dispute between us and this neighbor. I did not like the way the leasing office or my ex-husband handled the situation. I spent more time at my father’s house than in my own apartment. I also found myself pregnant. I lost the baby early on in a miscarriage due to the stress. I wanted to be a mother more than anything. To this date, that never happened, which saddens me. After suffering the worst migraine I ever had, I made the decision to move. My rationale was simple: I paid all of the money for rent where I struggled to earn it. I did not like the way the situation was handled. I also could no longer guarantee that woman’s safety. We moved out January 26, 2013. We moved in with my father. My ex-husband fought me on the move. I was in therapy at the time. My therapist tried to reason with him, but like so many other aspects of our relationship, it was pointless.

Fast forward to 2015. The problems in my marriage really escalated. He fought me every chance he could. I feel he started cheating around this time. His whole demeanor changed. He was working late, where he was the type who did not want to work to begin with. The women he worked with would call his phone repeatedly. He always mentioned my best friend and his growing paranoia. My friend barely spoke with me because he wanted to respect my ex-husband and keep an argument down. My health was really suffering at this point.

In May 2016, he moved out. To this day, he tells people I forced him out. I did not. He got his apartment on his own. My father and I helped him move. To this day, I have a permanent back injury that I received in the process. We still dealt with each other sexually for a while, even though he was dealing with other women. During the separation, my father and I would take him to Walmart frequently, where other women would call him. He would be evasive on the phone. Yet whenever I called him, he barely took my calls. If he did; he would rush me off of the phone.

September 22, 2017 we mutually filed for divorce. He avoided it and fought me on it. Our hearing was the day before Thanksgiving on November 22, 2017. It was finally on December 8, 2017. He was engaged by January 13, 2018. I blocked all contact with him and his sister on January 19, 2018 at the urging of a doctor who is like a sister friend. I later found out he was married some time in May 2018. After our divorce, a lot of things came out. His aunt had tried to confront me or multiple occasions based on the lies that he told. He became good at it. When I found out about the wedding in June 2018, I emailed him congratulating him. He did not respond. I did not try to reach him again.

Fast forward to the summer of 2018… one of my friends at my full time job in a previous office I worked at began telling me that she saw him. Another friend confirmed he worked there. Ironically, I had a job  interview scheduled in that same office. My friends reluctantly took me by his desk, which I would have past by anyway based on where he sat. When I approached him, his back was to me. I called his name. He turned around. He had that dear in headlights look. He did not know what to say. I asked him how he been. As usual, he was evasive. He asked me about my nieces. I told him their ages and showed him updated pictures of them, as I have thousands of pictures in my phone. I asked him the same question about his nieces and nephew. I do not think he gave me an answer. I hugged him and left. He as well as my friends were shocked.

Even to this day, I still check on him to see if he needs help at the job. People are mad with me. They assume I want him back. I do not. That relationship was the source of a lot of my pain. I am enrolled in therapy again. I am still trying to work through my pain. I had to forgive my ex-husband. He hurt me. I allowed him to hurt me. We are not perfect people. I wish a lot of things were different. I regret how we handled things. I tried hard to be a friend to him after we separated, but he kept doing things to me. Even now, nothing much has changed. That moment I was able to forgive my ex-husband, I felt the most free I have ever felt in my life. Due to the aftermath and pain of that relationship, I am afraid of dating. I mentioned in a different post how there is a wonderful man that I am interested in. I think that other man is as scared as I am. He tells me often how I need a good man, usually a Latino. I tell him often that I am open minded. Forgiving my ex-husband is the first step. I really do wish him well. I wish him all of the happiness and love. I wish him success. I also hope he is a better husband to his new wife than he was to me.

The point that I was trying to make with this topic is the power of forgiveness. Too often, we as people choose not to forgive those who have wronged us. As a result, it sets us back in life.

As I told my ex-husband, I would like for us to become friends again. I will always have some love for him as he was my everything at a point in time. Still forgiving him is the first step for me to healing. When I would drive, I would see him often. I even told him I had no problem driving him where he needed to go if he need me to. I treat everyone the same. I am still forgiving other people as well. Please start forgiving people, as God (if you believe in Him) forgave us. Its something to think about.

Peace and blessings everyone, R